Firdauz takes 5

The girl who believed in Women’s Rights and Equality, but held on tight to the idea in which guys should pay for her shopping and dinner, had lost her grip – twisted, i thought her mental ligaments were beginning to swell when she agreed to pay for my dinner.

I was reading National Geographic magazine on the ground floor of a shopping mall. I saw her coming from the back.

“Hehe, i was just about to surprise you,”

“I saw you coming la. Sweetheart.”

She quickly grabbed my left arm, curling hers with mine. We were walking arm in arm when she asked the question of where we should eat. I wasn’t hungry, i was looking for opportunity to escape few calories, so i told her “Anywhere you want la my dear. Mamak also can.”

We went from one diner to another, but in the end, we came to agree to check out the chinese restaurant that located outside of the shopping mall.

“I think i take this La Mien. Wait, issit nice? Issit something like pan mee?” I went through the menu not having any idea of what to order but to fully depend on the pictures.

“Yeah, i think it’s nice. But it’s pork you know. Like China styled noodle. But i think it’s nice.”

I asked her of whom she was dating, what she was reading, casual conversation took place.

“I bought a new ipod nano for RM350. Do you think it’s cheap?” She kept asking me about her newly bought ipod.

“Wait, you’re dating who?”

“A few guys. Do you think that my ipod is cheap. I bought it for 350 you know. Ipod nano, 4 gigs.”

“So of all the guys that you’re dating, who do you like the most?”

I randomly answered that her ipod was indeed cheap. She had to bear with all the gory details in my questions to her about everything. About The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini. About The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. About the guy whom she was dating.

“This, the monkey, looks like you,” giggling, i showed her the front page of the National Geographic magazine which i had in my hand.

“Very funny,”

“You know ah, my boss tired of me coming late to work everyday. One day ah, he really asked a reporter from NST to come interview me why i like coming to office late one,” to have faked the local chinese accent was indeed a talent of mine.

“He did that? Really?”

“Really. Last saturday morning suddenly my friend text me, asking me where i work. She said i was in the newspaper!” Priscilla, another of mine, were laughing at my name when she read the news.

“Haha. How late are you? Usually what time you come to work.”

“Very late one. Eh you know something, one day my friend showed me your name was in the news too. The Star. He googled your name.”

“Yeah loh. You google me got pictures one. Wait, who is he, how did he know my name. Did you blog about me? Did you put my picture? Eeeyeeerrr ugly la that picture!”

She kept on hinting me to go into detail about the friend of mine who had googled her. I kept on leaping off topics because i knew the only answer that she sought for was, “whether my friend is cute, or not.” I was a sadist, i had to deliberately derive pleasure from inflicting pain on her.

“Hey Firdauz, since it’s still early, do you want to drop by at my place first?”

“Ha?”

“Before you go back. Lepak at my place first okay, like an hour like that.”

We went back together, to her place. She took a shower, i took her book to kill my morals. The title; “The Ultimate Guide to Fellatio – How to Go Down on a Man and Give Him Mind-Blowing Pleasure“. The book of the blowjob discipline would have make her a doctorate i thought.

“I wanna get laid, i wanna get laid, i wanna get laid.” My mind was full with this thought.

Alas, the book was too graphic that i had to pick a graphic novel to delete the sexual overtones i had in mind.

Coming out from the bathroom, she asked me whether i want some water.

“Please say you want something to drink.”

“Water?”

She brought me a cup of water and showed me her new ipod nano. I told her i didn’t have any movie for her to copy but porns on my ipod.

“I have a sex podcast in my ipod” she told me.

And then she played the sex podcast with her ipod hooked to the stereo.

“Firdauz, are you good at giving massage?”

I didn’t answer this because i knew it wasn’t a question but an order from her. So i grab her feet, gave her a 20-minute foot massage and went back home to sleep.

Pinky: What’s your favorite position? (asking no one in particular)

Pinky : I like it when guys push me against the wall

Tired of getting no response, she then asked Yee Hou to bend over.

“Yee Hou, bend over for me!”

Tak lama dulu, lebih kurang setahun lalu, salah seorang rakan cina aku yang ramainya beribu-ribu tu (kebetulan sahaja, faktor persekitaran dan perkogsian pemikiran yang mutual, aku sebenarnya tak pernah pilih bulu, bukan aku tak suka berkawan melayu ye) guna perkataan “tekan” untuk gantikan “picit” (atau perah).

“Abang, teh-o ais limau satu. Teh-o, letak ais atas, tekan limau kuat-kuat.”

Aku ketawakan sahaja.

Aku kawan sejati, aku ketawa depan-depan, kuat-kuat, bukak mulut besar-besar. Biar terguris, dititik dalam hirisan yang paling halus, barcalarlah hati.

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Cerita mendarat disini. Diralatkan ke angkasa lain kali sahaja.

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Ada benda dalam penjara kepala yang menolak plot kebelakang.

Ayunan yang agak retrograde.

Ada benda yang aku simpan dah lama sangat belakang barisan besi ini.

Agak retro. Sangat rhetorical kalau ditulis. Boleh dikenakan akta hasutan.

Terpenjara lagi.

Pada aku, menipu biar besar-besaran, kecil-kecilan memalukan sahaja.

Kalau aku punya tulisan, biar semua cerita komedi aku mati diikat dengan simpulan yang paling tragik sekali. Kalau aku punya kesedihan, biarlah dibagkan ia warna ceria biru muda. Padamkan kesan hitam tanah bumi pada telapak tangan, bedakkan kesan tampar pada muka, jahitkan baju yang terkoyak rabak dan senyapkan tangisan yang berteriak melaung “maaf, maaf, maaf, maaf, sayang.”

Lupakan berat dada, sorokkan sahaja ringan air mata kamu itu.

Aku mahu kamu senyum.

Untuk aku.

=)

Kita senyum sama-sama mmkay.

Aku suka kucing. Kamu?

Aku suka memasak untuk rakan, mimum petang menonton filem bersama kenalan. Aku suka kamu. Aku suka sepatu tinggi tu, cantik. Beli kat mana?

Tengok handbag, hahahaha kenapa IC kamu muka camtu ye? Nak tengok IC aku tak, masa ni rambut tak keriniting lagi, burrukkan!

Kamu, maafkan tekanan retro aku ini ye.

Tau!

Senyum. Untuk aku.

At the same Italian restaurant.

Yerp, i dine there alone. Again.

The friendly crew still remembers me and asked me whether i want the same wine as last time.

Eat : Scallop Gorgonzola ¹ for starter, Sautéed Mediterranean Seabass² being the main course, and the same signature dessert³ as last time.

Drink : Sex on the beach⁴.

The music they play : Laid back music mostly. Some slow electronica, trip hop and Japanese hip hop.

MezzaNotte @ The Loft,
34, 36, 38, 40 Jalan Doraisamy,
50350 Kuala Lumpur.

Ade sejenis fabrik ini, orang panggil throw.

Gunanya bukan untuk dibaling, dibelasah atau di lontar sampai ke Baling Kedah. Bukan juga digunakan sebagai kain lap tumpahan minuman tenaga tambahan kacip fatimah. Juga bukan tuala nipis yang menyerap 2x lebih efisyen kesan darah.

“Siti Aminah, sudah sembayang ka belum?”

“Darah belum kering lagi abah!”

Jadi, jika perlu kau belasah, anggapkan sahaja throw ini sehelai selimut di bahu sofa, sudahlah.

Setiap akhirnya minggu, tanpa tunggu datangnya musim bunga, aku beserta vacuum biru dan mop putih salju akan spring clean unit rumah kami yang letaknya 17 tingkat dari tanah bumi. Tiga ratus, empat puluh belas juta billion tingkat lagi boleh cecah matahari, rasa aku. Rasa kamu, setelah hampir 4 bulan housemate aku lari dan ditingalkannya aku bersendiri, tak bosan ke aku? Berseorangan tiada rakan serumah.

Hujung minggu, spring clean basuh cadar. Setiap 2 hari, vacuum ala kadar. Setiap 2-3 bulan bila mak aku datang melawat, dia buat hati aku jadi tawar.

“Umie rasa rumah adik ni bersih sangat la. Tak elok tau. Nanti senang dapat penyakit.”

Mak aku lupa aku di universiti 4 tahun belajar Biologi, tahun pertama dah ambik paper Microbiology – one of my favourite subjects. In fact, sebenarnya semua subjects di universiti adalah kegemaran aku kecuali Pengenalan Kepada Kalkulus yang aku failed entah berapa million kali ganda punca kuasa infiniti nya.

Ha, pelajar biologi yang bodoh matematiknya ini actually tahu mikroorganisma boleh adapt persekitaran baru.

Maka tak penah pula aku dettol satu rumah sampai bau macam hospital. Tak penah pula aku kukus seluar dalam atas nama sterilization. Tak pula aku mandi berkolamkan clorox, cuci dosa putihkan warna.

Iya makcik, saya pembersih yang macam celaka, tapi bukan a total freak. Saya cintakan minimal flaws dan imperfections, biar harmoni kehidupan saya lebih organik.

Tapi tak berapa nak organik sangat kalau aku berbalik bercerita tentang throw tadi, cerita asal yang aku pesongkan atas nama kesesatan jahiliah. Biarlah aku sesat sedikit, tak mengapa kan?

Sesat aku rupanya tidak sedikit, lebih ghairah dan mendebarkan.

Aku tak tahu baca label care and content pada fabrik. Aku masukkan throw kesayangan tadi kedalam washing machine, putar sampai berbuih-buih, ketawa sampai jernih air mata mengalir melihat throw kesayangan tadi cair bila bersetubuh dengan air. Cair bila bersetubuh, hmmm. Sehelai fabrik tadi kini terbelah 2 per 5, 60% masih rupawan, 40% telah menjadi sisa debu basuhan.

Padahal aku lemah matematik, tetapi andian 40% ini hampir tepat kerana pengiraan peratusan sudah sebati dalam diri. Boleh dikatakan semua angaran statistik aku adalah tepat.

Contohnya, 99% daripada kamu, mahu menampar aku di muka bukan?

=(

It’s an old track which i composed back in 2004/2005.

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Door Slammed Shut – Loop Sinner.

The words swimming in my head were in vitro. I felt a story developing its plot in my glass of wine. Crozes Hermitage. The pupils in his eyes didn’t tell me lies.

“So do you eat pork?” I asked.

“He eats everything one!” Jeanie answered on his behalf.

“Well, alcohol(by Fiqh, islamic jurisprudence) is just as bad as pork though. If i drink, i might as well eat pork.” He made it clear.

I chopped some parsley and sipped the wine, preparing dinner for 3 persons to dine. In my head, there were names that would make up the dishes for that night. Begedil and chocolate-banana-strawberry pie. One was a malay dish made by the equal amount of beef and potatoes, and the other one was a fusion of an idle knowledge and an aggressive experimentation.

The combination of the two, mothered a friendship and shipped us to the dining table and the television room. We traded ideas and angled perspectives, opened a bottle of Pinot Noir while closing the prejudiced door.

“You know i’m not in the gray area,” in a balcony on the 17th floor, i collected the common words used for my frequent explanation.

“I’m not a moderate muslim who doesn’t live a strict muslim life. I simply have made my choice,” i continued.

“And my choice was simple enough. That not everyone needs a religion. Religion for me, is like a need, it’s a necessity. There are people who need religious guidance, without it, they feel kinda lost. And there are people who don’t need religious guidance and they can still be decent people. But should anyone decide to have a religion, all i need to do is just to respect that decision.” It was long, but i was more than happy to have explained it.

“I guess you are just like me.” He replied.

We talked at length about celebrating the world for its diversity. About religion and constitution. About Pulp Fiction and Lucky Number Slevin.

Over the weekend, i had made a couple of new friends.

On Part 1, i left it with this;

So Part 2 starts with this;

and it turns into this;

this

and this.

I am certainly not a good drawer — the worst person to teach anyone anything, but if the question is about blending 2 or more colors, what i could share is;

1) I usually start with softer color as the base, and put darker color on top of it, overlapping each other.

This is the basic of blending, usually the only thing we need to do. But at times we cannot afford to put more colors as it will make the drawing darker, and we kinda need a kind of colorless blender. So for colorless blending, i usually use either my finger, a tissue, or a torchon or the combination of all, depending on the situation.

2) If by putting more colors will make that are darker, but that particular area needs some blending, i usually use my finger to blend (only when my finger is clean and dry).

3) When the area is too dark and i need to lighten it up a bit by one or more tones, i use tissue.

4) When dealing with small areas, i use torchon instead since it has pointed tips.

Well one thing i could share about coloring human skin is that when i first started drawing i use only one color – brown. Then i learn to gradually mix more colors into it. For this drawing i use white, yellow, pink, soft brown, earthy brown, red, blue, dark brown and black. All put not on the same area but i played it with the tone – for more prominent lines i use more brown and black.

That’s all i guess for part 2 since i really think i suck at doing this.

So i loathe my current hair style, they’re all getting straighter and i can’t have it re-permed due to extreme dryness and split ends.

and i’ve put on crazy weight lately.

Maka tak kisahlah, berbadan bulat dan berambut kurang hebat. Juga tidak mengapalah, jika setelah penat berkerja menyelamatkan dunia di luar sana, pulang aku ke rumah hanya bertemankan perasaan yang semakin perasan!

Dan hanya bermain sembunnyi-sembunyi bersama mainan kesayangan.

Hohoho.

Dan sudahkan malam-malam biasa aku dengan sepotong ice cream sebelum tidur.

=)

Remember the glorious milliseconds when you first had pizza?

It was a complete silence, wasn’t it? It was as if the world didn’t exist, just you and your mind, and the spirit of the cheesy baked pie.

Since then, we’ve been trying hardly enough to re-experience the moment. We become the regulars at Pizza Hut, we dial numbers for Dominos thin crusts, and after too many Hawaiian pizzas, we’re neither able to speak Italian fluently nor we have a mansion in Honolulu but we, are still Malaysians who prefer the good old nasi goreng and char kuew teow.

Pizza sucks. It doesn’t change our nationality and help us to achieve MTV’s delusional dreams.

If memory serves me right and televisionary serves me wrong, assuming my mother didn’t secretly feed me with Shakey’s when i was younger, the first pizza i had was home made. At age 5, i’ve eaten the best pizza in the world. At age 6 and 7, i still eat the best pizza in the world. At age 8, Shakey’s was a perfect escape for my mother’s diabolical plan of not to bake home made pizzas anymore.

Well, today, she’s still my mother. And still, she doesn’t do pizza anymore.

But Yellow Cab Pizza does decent pizza. I’ve been having it 3 days in a row. And if i were to rate it on a scale of 1 to infidel, and infidel being the head of Israel, i’d say commit to doing this sin – eat a Yellow Cab pizza everyday, 5 times a day if you were once muslim but now a metro-kafir who used to doing things religiously.

Now loosen the explosive straps, forgive the Jews and submit to Yellow Cab Pizza with all your heart. Achmed, this is your new jihad.

Picture list

Wake up and take the LRT (11), Menu and Pizza (6), Inside the Restaurant (4), Moving to the new office (6)

Wake up and take the LRT

/End of Wake up and take the LRT. View the list again?

Menu and Pizza

/End of Menu and Pizza. View the list again?

Inside the Restaurant

/End of Inside the Restaurant. View the list again?

Moving to the new office

/End of Moving to the new office. View the list again?

Have a jihad. Fight in the name of Yellow Cab Pizza.

Yellow Cab Pizza.
Jalan Raja Abdullah.
03 – 2694 2003