Firdauz takes 5

If you cut up my soul, and offer them to God, this is the story i’ll be telling you before i become a ghost.

There isn’t much time, love, come closer, put down the knife, i’ll forgive you. Oh you poor girl, here, grab my hand, put them, put yours onto my chest. Keep it there, love. For a while, before i become a ghost.

Sayang, do you know why you knifed your fury into my flesh, and why i let the cold steel to shorten my breath? No more tears, no more tears, listen, it is not your fault. I let it happen.

Sayang, there is hope for eternal happiness, listen to me carefully. There is hope for world peace, and there is hope to end every misery. I know this because i’m meeting my end and in every end, you get to know the answer. I see great courage in you. Something that i should have had, but never mind that because it is what we both have right now, is it not?

I’m not frightened of becoming a spirit and you’re a brave killer because you want tomorrow’s fate to follow yours, are we not courageous?

Sayang, you help me shape the world and i’ll tell you why i couldn’t be your lover — isn’t that why you were livid with anger?

I’ve been in love, my dear, never with you, and this is the story.

1.

“I’ll leave you with my sister, if anything happens to her, i’m gonna find you!” Dina’s sister warned me before she left us alone.

“Ok, hehe,” i tried to think of a joke, but i thought too long until Dina’s sister had disappeared. But even if she had waited for me for a funnier reply, i thought agreeing with her was the best answer. Should anything bad happen to Dina, i was the one to blame. “So kita nak pegi mana ni?” i asked Dina because i thought, should anything happen to me then, i would have her to blame.

“Let’s go Coffee Bean nak?” suggested Dina. She had braces on her set of teeth. When she talked, she reminded me of kittens and rabbits — she was so cute.

“Ok,” I smiled at Dina. Dina returned a smile. Oh, you’re a rabbit. A sweet and mildly dangerous smile. Oh, you’re a kitten. But her smile called out the tigress in her when she fired a twinkle from the corner of her eye. My legs were quickly weakened, so i walked with thousands of questions, and i walked along with Dina toward the cafe.

Then we stopped walking upon reaching the counter. And we looked into each other’s characters.

“I pay,” i took out two ten ringgit notes from my wallet.

“No, i pay,” she still had her money in her purse yet she wanted to win this fight. “I’ll pay you back,” told her.

Oh, i’m in love.

***

Sayang, i’m sorry to have not finished my story, because there isn’t much time. To summarize, i only have been in love twice and never with you.

I love you, and so do the many of you.

It’s hard, it’s hard to breathe now.

They called him God because even the strongest liquor could never knock him dead; and every drop of liquor that tried to spin his head that night, had only made him stronger.

“You look like someone who needs Life,” said God. “Here, taste Life and cheers to Death.”

“What are those?” I asked. “Never mind, i’ll try them.”

Life was a strange potion of bubbles and ice, served in a tall glass and the colour of the mixture was clear as sapphire, and it tasted sweater than Death.

Death tasted like yesterday’s Life, brewed for a millennium until the colour turned darker.

“Oh man, what are those?” i asked while running the back of my hand, wiping my mouth. “I love them man!”

I loved Life and Death, and when the love was getting stronger, i had loved a couple bottles of beer, and when the beer had made the guests funnier than they were, i had loved vodka and ice, and when the vodka had made everyone prettier than they were, i had loved glasses of wine, and shots of spirits that were older than the night.

I myself had brought KY a 2003 Pinot Noir. Someone else had brought him a 2005 Merlot, and someone else must have drugged me.

The night was darker than the centre of the universe, and i don’t remember a thing when i see the pictures of someone who looks like me on facebook.

Oh my God! Is that me?

P/s: Thanks KY! Your party was awesome man!

Ouuhhh ice-cream.

These are what i always have in my fridge.

List

1) Ais Krim Potong, 2) Ben & Jerry’s – Banana Split, 3) (Winner) Ben & Jerry’s – Peanut Butter Cup, 4) (1st runner up) Baskin Robbins – Pralines ‘n Cream, 5) Baskin Robbins – Jamoca Almond Fudge, 6) Nestle La Cremeria – Chocolate Mocha Indulgence, 7) (All time fav.) Buds – Hazelnuts, 8) Buds – Butter Almonds, 9) Wall’s Viennetta – Black Forest, 10) Wall’s Magnum Mini – Classic, 11) Wall’s Mini Poppers – Vanilla, 12) Nestle Mat Kool – Traffic Light, 13) Wall’s Mini Cornetto, 14) Häagen-Dazs – Macadamia Nut.

#1 Ais Krim Potong

Price : RM 1 each.
Where to buy them? : I bought them at a chinese cafe in where i stay.
How are they? : Nice! Made from coconut milk and very-very-very nice. I love them!
Buy this or not? : Buy la. Very nice one. It’s cheap some more. One ringgit only.

/End of Ais Krim Potong. View the list again?

#2 Ben & Jerry’s – Banana Split

Price : RM 26.50 – 32.90 (473mL). They keep on changing the price every time i buy them.
Where to buy it? : Cold Storage and Mercato in Pavilion.
How is it? : So so only. Got chocholate, banana and strawberry chunks inside.
Buy this or not? : It ain’t that nice but can eat la.

/End of Ben & Jerry’s – Banana Split. View the list again?

#3 Ben & Jerry’s – Peanut Butter Cup

(Winner)

Price : RM 26.50 – 32.90 (473mL). They keep on changing the price every time i buy them.
Where to buy it? : Cold Storage and Mercato in Pavilion.
How is it? : Verrrrrrrrryyyyyy nice! This is heaven!
Buy this or not? : Buy buy buy!!! Buy it and eat it everyday also can. The moment you eat, you’ll be saying “Screw my girlfriend/boyfriend. This ice-cream is love.”

/End of Ben & Jerry’s – Peanut Butter Cup. View the list again?

#4 Baskin Robbins – Pralines ‘n Cream

1st runner up

Price : RM 34.90 (1L).
Where to buy it? : Cold Storage, Mercato in Pavilion, Carrefour, Giants, Tesco.
How is it? : Yummy!!!!! Seriously delicious!
Buy this or not? : Buy it! You’ll love it! This is the only Baskin Robbins that i like.

/End of Baskin Robbins – Pralines ‘n Cream. View the list again?

#5 Baskin Robbins – Jamoca Almond Fudge

Price : RM 34.90 (1L).
Where to buy it? : Cold Storage, Mercato in Pavilion, Carrefour, Giants, Tesco.
How is it? : =(
Buy this or not? : Baskin Robbins are so overrated. I only like Pralines ‘n Cream.

/End of Baskin Robbins – Jamoca Almond Fudge. View the list again?

#6 Nestle La Cremeria – Chocolate Mocha Indulgence

Price : RM 13.90.
Where to buy it? : Carrefour, Giants, Tesco, kedai mamak, anywhere also got.
How is it? : Hard texture, less creamy, tastes cheap.
Buy this or not? : Don’t waste your money, you’ll regret it.

/End of Nestle La Cremeria – Chocolate Mocha Indulgence. View the list again?

#7 Buds – Hazelnuts

All time fav.

Price : RM 12.90 (946mL).
Where to buy it? : Carrefour, Giants, Tesco.
How is it? : Crazily nice and super cheap!!!!! This is another heaven. Seriously delicious. Smooth texture and very milky and creamy. Damn yummy!
Buy this or not? : Buy it!!!! It’s the nicest and the cheapest premium ice cream around. Worth your money.

/End of Buds – Hazelnuts. View the list again?

#8 Buds – Butter Almonds

Price : RM 8.90 (473mL).
Where to buy it? : Carrefour, Giants, Tesco .
How is it? : Not bad. I kinda like it.
Buy this or not? : Ok leh. It’s not bad, really. Buy this only if they don’t have Hazelnuts.

/End of Buds – Butter Almonds. View the list again?

#9 Wall’s Viennetta – Black Forest

Price : RM 11.90 (500mL).
Where to buy it? : Carrefour, Giants, Tesco, kedai mamak, anywhere also got.
How is it? : It’s like a cake, got layers of cream and i dunno what else, but not nice one. Tak sedap la!
Buy this or not? : This ice-cream is for makcik, waste my money only.

/End of Wall’s Viennetta – Black Forest. View the list again?

#10 Wall’s Magnum Mini – Classic

Price : Below RM10 (a box of 6).
Where to buy them? : Carrefour, Giants, Tesco, kedai mamak, anywhere also got.
How are they? : Ok leh. Nice also!
Buy these or not? : It’s below RM 10 and not bad what. Why so kiamsap one!!

/End of Wall’s Magnum Mini – Classic. View the list again?

#11 Wall’s Mini Poppers – Vanilla

Price : Below RM10 (a box of 18).
Where to buy them? : Carrefour, Giants, Tesco, kedai mamak, anywhere also got.
How are they? : Nice! i love them!
Buy these or not? : Wah, this one must buy! you’re a closet gay if you don’t like this one, and i’ll hate you!

/End of Wall’s Mini Poppers – Vanilla. View the list again?

#12 Nestle Mat Kool – Traffic Light

Price : Below RM10 (a box of 6).
Where to buy them? : Carrefour, Giants, Tesco, kedai mamak, anywhere also got.
How are they? : Popsicles are sick (’sick’ in ebonics means ‘They are the nicest!!!!’)
Buy these or not? : Buy buy buy buy. Very nice one!

/End of Nestle Mat Kool – Traffic Light. View the list again?

#13 Wall’s Mini Cornetto

Price : About RM10 (a box of 12).
Where to buy them? : Carrefour, Giants, Tesco, kedai mamak, anywhere also got.
How are they? : Ice cream cones!!!! Damn classic and yummy!!!
Buy these or not? : I love them!!1 i love them so much. You should buy these!

/End of Wall’s Mini Cornetto. View the list again?

#14 Häagen-Dazs – Macadamia Nut

Price : RM27.90.
Where to buy them? : Cold Storage, Mercato in Pavilion, Carrefour, Giants, Tesco.
How are they? : Smooth texture, but lacking in flavour. Honestly, macadamia nut isn’t Häagen-Dazs best ice cream.
Buy these or not? : It’s not that bad. I love the smooth texture. But i won’t buy this particular flavour again.

/End of Häagen-Dazs – Macadamia Nut. View the list again?

My views of these ice creams are not subjective.

Because i’m a bimbo and i have the sexiest fridge on earth.

Ouuhhh ice-cream.

Nicholas Was…

older than sin, and his beard could grow no whiter. He wanted to die.

The dwarfish natives of the Arctic caverns did not speak his language, but conversed in their own, twittering tongue, conducted incomprehensible rituals, when they were not actually working in the factories.

Once every year they forced him, sobbing and protesting, into Endless Night. During the journey he would stand near every child in the world, leave one of the dwarves’ invisible gifts by its bedside. The children slept, frozen into time.

He envied Prometheus and Loki, Sisyphus and Judas. His punishment was harsher.

Ho.

Ho.

Ho.

- by Neil Gaiman.

Merry Christmas everyone.

=)

I just got back from Singapore last night, after spending 5 days there for food, zoo, bowling, paintball, pantomime (it was Snow White & the Seven Dwarfs, very funny i tell you), more food, fine dining, more and more food, secret santa and exchanging gifts, laughing at my friends, and had them laughing back at me, a movie, shopping and partying with Malaysian and Singaporean bloggers.

I had so much fun last week in Singapore.

So so so so much fun! So many activities!

But because we rock like that, we even made it to the office today despite all of us were seriously exhausted. We’re a bunch of happy and responsible people i guess.

and coming to the office today, i thought it would be just another ordinary day.

I was wrong!

I got a surprise gift from Su Ann (she studies in New York but now she’s in London to celebrate Christmas there.) Her friend sent it to the office today.

Su Ann is a sweetheart. She gave me an electric oven.

OMG!!!!! I got an electric oven!! I’m so so so happy!

I wanna do char siew, maybe turkey, perhaps lamb, chicken definitely, pies, cookies, muffins anything, everything!

OMG!!!! i’m so happy. I got an electric oven. Thank you pinkpau. You’re the best! Thank you pinkpau’s friend for sending the gift to the office (sorry i forgot your name but you’re so cute!).

P/s: Su Ann is just a sweetheart who gave me an electric oven for no particular reasons. The only thing i ever gave her was a mixed CD. Cost me no more than RM5 including the home-made paper cover sleeve. I guess she’s just a sweetheart. Merry Christmas love.

dan tinggal di sini hingga tergelincirnya matahari ahad nanti.

dan berbisik-bisik lah mereka dengan suara: “Firdauz’s picture in his passport looks like Mas Selamat.”

Kawan-kawan saya cacat pemikiran. Mereka tidak sempurna.

Tadi main bowling, dan makan malam di sisir pantai.

Esok ke zoo dan main tembak-tembak bola dakwat.

Oh, gembiranya!

When the coffee in his cup was being cold, a friend had asked me. “Actually, why do muslims need to pray 5 times a day?”

My reply was, “It started with a white unicorn-like creature, his body was smaller than a mule, but larger than a donkey..”

The Night Journey (Children of Israel).

Muhammad ibn Abdullah ibn Abdul Mutalib was made a prophet by his wife, Khadijah; by a pious Christian, Waraqah; by a revelation revealed to him by the angel Gabriel by the command of God from the Seventh Heaven to the cave Hira; in the mountain Jabal al-Nour; in the month of Ramadhan; in the year 610 in Mecca.

Muhammad was 40 when we was made a prophet by Ali ibn Abi Talib, Abu Bakr as-Siddiq and Zaid ibn Harithah.

Then he was made waiting for 3 years. The angel Gabriel had not yet revealed Muhammad more of the Ayats (verses) that later compiled into Surahs (chapters). But when the Ayats formed into Surahs, and these Surahs spoke of Ad-Din (religion/way of life), Muhammad preached the word of God to save as many souls from eschatological fire, to remind them of the Creator — the only one true God : Allah Subhanahu wa Ta’ala.

But Muhammad himself, had never met nor spoken to God directly — for angel Gabriel was the medium. Not until one night.

(more…)

The old man was diving the spoon into the rice in a white polystyrene container when i put small notes on his lap. I returned a smile when he thanked me with his teeth, when he thanked me with the corners of his mouth brought higher to meet the corners of his eyes. We nodded for a “Thank you” and “You’re welcome”.

The day started with me being just a few minutes late only to find all my colleagues had gone to eating Bak Kut Teh — a popular Chinese dish in Malaysia — while saying this to myself: Infidels, they eat pork and they have refused to wait and to have lunch with me.

Infidels, they eat pork and sometime frogs and i didn’t get to join them this time.

The flesh of a swine and the meat of an amphibian and the sins of eating such animals were not available during the lunch break in where i worked. In where i worked, there were only white rice and noodles with vegetables and except for those creatures from the ocean, every non-forbidden animal from the dry land was slaughtered with “Bismillah”.

That noon, every meat that i could find was halal.

In where i worked, should one desire for the forbidden meat, one had to travel with the big appetite to the small roads in Jalan Alor or into the heart of Kuala Lumpur with a specific prayer — “Dear God, i want to eat pork. Amen.” — because at times, one can be so unlucky to have travelled so far but only to find one’s favourite restaurant close.

So did my colleagues, and they did it with a double-prayer: That the restaurant should be open, and the Bak Kut Teh should be awesome. Amen.

Their prayers were answered.

My lunch however, had had meat that had witnessed the names of Allah (there were 3 names in Bismilahirahmanirahim : Allah, Ar-Rahman, Ar-Rahim. The Muslims believe in 99 names of Allah, the list was originally compiled by a muslim scholar and passed down through generations and today’s muslims are reciting them rather traditionally. No one knows the exact list of these 99 names for sure.). And while i was having the halal meal, the waitress had passed by me to bring a white polystyrene container to the old man who was sitting in the corner outside of the restaurant.

The waitress had noticed what everyone else had failed. There was an old man who needed food sitting outside the restaurant, in the corner, alone — not asking for food nor money, just sitting there, alone with skin on his bones and probably, an empty stomach.

I had noticed that i only had 10 ringgit to break and my stomach was not empty anymore.

I had noticed that after i paid my lunch with the 10 ringgit note, the change was a few small notes and it could buy the old man dinner. So i brought the small notes to the old man’s lap.

We exchanged smiles while i travelled my mind into imagining my colleagues feasting on Bak Kut Teh, my favourite dish.

Bismilahirahmanirahim. You never answered me.

It’s true what they say. That i am a full time bimbo; that my IQ is sub-zero; and below the negative numbers and beneath everyone’s laughter; i’ve been thinking (although of course, hardly).

Now you’re happy.

Never mind, never mind, never mind if you’re not laughing at the silly joke. I’ll try again.

Ehem.

You know ah, day time ah, i work designer one. I full time bimbo only, but part time designer one. Can ah? Can ah? So night time ah, after go back home already, i dowan design for clients already. I like exploring leh. I enjoy flexing with full freedom leh. I experiment i suka leh.

I like, i like.

I do web development one wor. Hor! Very nicest ones. But dowan show you already. All secret leh.

So ah, last night ah, i exploring-exploring then i tak jadi malas ah, Eh, you listen ah! Then i tak jasi malas right, then i stop loh. I stop, i stop, then i see ah. Wait i upload picture first.

See ah the picture. I lazy finish design, but i got see ah, i see got a female knight in a suit of shinning armor wor!

What do you see?

I’d like to think that, genetically, i am a Proto-Malayu.

That is, if the world needs more Malays, or, if the world needs more Malays, or, if the world needs more Malays — in any funny case; in which the Malay population being the main concern — your children are acting less Malay; the Rempits have come to extinction; you need a bumiputera space tourist to send to the outer space so that everyone can have a better galactic Roti Canai and Nasi Lemak; all you have to do is, just pull a strand or two of my hair, put it in a tube, put coconut milk in, stir it, and feed it to someone.

Then you will get yourself a purebred Malay, the next day.

Ok, FAQ time.

What kind of Malay clones can i expect by using Firdauz’s DNA?
The best. If you’re raising an army of employees, expect all of them to come into the office only after lunch hour.

Firdauz’s hair damn stupid one, but i like it leh. Will the clones have his hair?
No, the afro hair is not a biological trait, his stupidity is.

What standard of morals can i expect?
Stranded kind, no morals. Kelas morals are for the non-believers. Woo hoo!

What is the religion of the clones. Are they muslims?
Yes, by constitution. They eat BKT, wear Baju Melayu on Fridays and they keep telling you “Really?”.

Ok, coming late for work, muslims, no morals, why in the world do we need more Malays?
Don’t question it.

Bumiputera rights?
Don’t question it.

The fuck i care about Malays.
We rule this 3rd-world country bitches! Get over it.

3rd world? Not 2.75 meh?
Get over it.

Boy, is Firdauz really an idiot?
Hmmm… let me think about it…

No? Yes?

No no, yes yes.

Jangan buli saya sedih.

=(

“Are you not cold?” I asked, “Do you want my t-shirt?” Caressing her naked back felt like running pastels on a canvas — like blending colors and softening the edges with my fingers, and i would softly blow the dust away — before i realized it was Nadia’s skin and her skin was a magnet; i landed my lips on her back and prayed for happiness.

“No, but i wanna see your drawings,” she pointed to the easel in the television room, “I wanna learn drawing la. You teach me, boleh tak?” She rolled her body from where her chest was resting on my lap, to where i can see the gold pendant that spelled her name hanging from her necklace and pointing to her bosoms. She put her arm around my neck and i saw her eyes were spelling magical charms. “Oi, you tengok apa!” She chuckled while adjusting the towel and brought it higher so it covered the whole chest.

Her laughter is her love amulet, i thought. It protects her from me.

“Tak boleh, hihi.” I didn’t want her to see my silly drawings, i didn’t want her to think i was a person who was in touch with feelings, if any idea she should be getting, was that : I am Firdauz, 28, single, and fuck, i have no other talent than being lazy and watching movies on the television.

I am Firdauz, i have too many ice cream in my fridge, too many stories that you won’t get to hear because my peculiar sense of humor keeps you thinking i only have an IQ of a primate.

“Saya gorilla, ha ha ha,” browsing through the documentary channels and having difficulties with the remote control buttons had made me the prime example of a primate — i was as fool as any other guy, i laughed at my own jokes and i kept on laughing until Nadia took the remote and taught me how to memorize all those 100 celebrities on channel E!.

“You watch it everyday, then nanti you tahu la nanti dorang tu siapa.” Nadia was too tired to explain to me who was who when i kept on asking her who was who on the television. When it didn’t work, she shut her eyes and pretended sleeping on my lap.

“You wanna sleep in my room?” i asked.

“Uh mm.”

When we entered my room, Nadia became a princess and i became a man.

That night, evolution took only a second. Instantly, love was learnt.

2

“You ada berapa girlfriends ah?”

“I’m single.”

“Tipu. I tengok camera you banyak je gambar perempuan.”

Once again, i prayed for happiness and kissed her hand.

3

Her fingernails were long and she knew what to do with them. Her long hair was red and she knew what to do with it. Her smooth skin was radiant and i loved it when it turned red.

Our hearts beat faster while we were in bed.