Saiful.
Although my real name is spelled with an ending ‘Z’, Saiful has always been pronouncing it with an ‘S’, and a funny ‘W’ to complement it.
“Fee-Da-Wos, tengah buat ape?”
“Kat office la bro. Wassup.” And it’s Fir-Dauz you silly. Don’t you hate it when i call you Sai-Pool?
Saiful told me he’s going to marry the beautiful Diana on May 17th. Another one month and a half. Over the phone.
If i were not a judgmental friend, i would have told you Saiful is a decent guy, but that would have been a lie. Saiful is a friend. It doesn’t matter if he’s a good or a bad guy, he’s a friend. And if you were to ask me what kind of a person he is, i would have told you like this :
“Hi < insert your name >. Ni kawan saya, Saiful. Dulu dia Tabligh, sekarang dia dah taubat, dah tak nak tabligh lagi dah. Alhamdullilah. Dia sekarang makan kat kedai Cina, main perempuan, dan kencing berdiri.” I swear to you i’ve done this more than 10 times in front of him. But never, in front of Diana, or any female friends of mine, always, between the guys. Saiful is a kind of a person who leads another life behind Diana. He’s a player kind of a guy, you know the one who has good looks, nice body, and always lies? He’s that kind. If you’re a girl, expect sweet lies, things you’ve been wanting to hear from a good looking guy.
Me? I am not good looking and i never lied. That’s why i’m single and heartbroken (and bitter, writing about Saiful for what? Isn’t he my friend? Yes, he is.)
But the truth is, i would have done the same in front of him too. I would tell you who he is, in front of him. Not because i want to belittle him, no. It is because he would have done the same to me as well. He would tell you who i am, in front of me. And he would tell you like this :
“Hi < insert your name >. Ni kawan saya, Fee-Da-Wos. Dia kalau kau talipon, tak penah nak angkat. Dia gay. Dulu masa kat Universiti dia ajak aku datang rumah kasi makan apples dengan ice-cream. Sedap sial. Tapi dia gay. Kawan dia Anep selalu cakap dia gay.”
And if i gave him a weird look, we would say “Ala, takkan merajuk kot Fee-Da-Wos. Kau kan gay.”
Truth is, i’m not gay. I’m straight as fuck. And yes, i did give him apples and ice cream when he came to my house, and i had always offered everyone who came to my house food and drinks. Doesn’t mean i’m gay.
Truth is, he is an ex-muslim missionary, or a Tabligh. I knew him when he had still feared God, when he would never, NEVER pee standing up, to the point when i was doing my final year project during a semester break, he took a 200-meter rubber hose and went into the bushes to pee squatting down while spraying his genitals with the water from the hose.
I knew Saiful when he was still preaching the strong belief he had in God and Muhammad, to me.
I knew Saiful when we would still go to the masjid and surau together to pray to God.
I knew Saiful when he still looked like a Taliban to you.
I know Saiful will take a good care of Diana, he’s a friend, he’ll be a good husband, i have no doubt about it, he’s passionate in making Diana happy. He loves Diana, and i don’t lie about who my friends are.
Saiful, although has slept with different girls behind Diana because apparently that’s what we all do; — some might come clean about it, some will keep them as a secret, some might resist and just have a wild imagination doing it — apart from not looking like a Taliban anymore, he’s still very much, a conservative guy.
I once told Saiful, “One day, if i’m not married, i’m gonna adopt a child. And i don’t want my child to have any religion. I want my child to start fresh. In fact, i’ll make sure my child terima ilmu agama dari the best Ustaz, dari the best Priests, dari semua pakar agama yang aku boleh cari. I want my child to learn theologies, the good, and the bad things about them. I want my child to be a critical thinker, not a silly follower who believes whatever crap someone tells him. But mesti unbiased. Kalau dia pergi kelas agama Islam sejam, sejam lagi kena pergi kelas agama yang lain. But there’s no forcing, i’ll ask my child first if he/she wants to continue learning them and to find the truth about God. Only if my child wants it, after a few introduction classes. Kalau dia taknak, tunggu dia besar dan pilih sendiri apa yang dia nak belajar.”
“Kau ni Fee-Da-Wos, jauh terpesong siot. Kau tak boleh buat macam tu. Salah beb. Nanti dia tak tahu nak pilih agama yang mana, kau yang tanggung dosa tau tak? Kau ingat neraka sejuk?”
“La, kenapa pulak. Kalau Islam agama yang betul, bukan dia boleh berdiri sendiri ke? Tak payah paksa. Tak perlu paksaan. Kau rasa, kalau tuhan itu wujud, dan anak aku tak berdosa, Tuhan duduk senyap tak tunjuk jalan? Duduk relax tunggu anak aku mati masuk neraka lepas tu gelakkan sebab dia salah pilih agama? Ke kau tak percaya tuhan tu lagi berkuasa dari manusia Saiful? Manusia yang kena mendokong keagungan Tuhan issit? Takde manusia berani, nanti Tuhan mati? And kalau dia pilih Islam, aku percaya dia akan betul-betul amalkan apa yang dia percaya. Sebab bila ada pilihan, tidak terkongkong, ada ruang untuk lebih passionate, untuk belajar lebih dalam lagi.”
“Mengarut sial kau ni. Abis tu kalau anak kau minat agama Kristian, kau nak biarkan?”
“Yes, in fact, i’ll support and fully respect it. Whatever religion my child wants to practice, it’s the child’s right. We can’t force people to believe in something that we do. But we can be a little supportive and encouraging, so they’d know, dia orang di sayangi dan di hargai even though they don’t share the same views as ours.”
“Salah tu Fee-Da-Wos. Baik kau jumpa Ustaz, tanya pendapat. Istighfar banyak sikit. Gila sial ko ni. Nasib baik kau kawan aku. Aku rasa kalau kau cerita benda ni kat orang lain mahu keluar fatwa pancung kepala. Aku taknak tengok kawan aku mati kena bunuh, sia sia, lepas masuk neraka.”
Like i said, conservative.
Me? I’m worse than Saiful, probably worse than everyone. I don’t believe in God, i’m being judgmental on Saiful, i call him conservative, Taliban, i’m not a follower in any doctrine, not even atheism, in fact, i’m skeptical about each one of the world’s famous religions. Be it monotheistic or polytheistic, i don’t believe in any. Every religion tells me i’m going to hell, yet, i haven’t been one who’s against any. Yet, i’m the one who plans to make sure my child receives their religious teachings from their best people. Because God, heaven and hell is just a philosophical view one has about the afterlife. You have yours, i have none. People should have some freedom in choosing what they want to believe and to practice.
I believe in apples and ice cream. You can call me gay, but i’d still offer you food and drinks if you ever come to my house. Even if you look like a Taliban.
Saiful is a friend, among the closest ones. He’s getting married, and i’m so happy for him and Diana. They are such a cute couple you know. We’ll be lepaking this weekend. Yay! can’t wait to meet this Taliban. Sekarang, kalau masuk toilet, dia sudah pandai kencing berdiri tahu? Best!
Saiful loves me, i love Saiful. We never share the same views on religion anymore. We used to, when i was not an agnostic. See? i’m such a bad person kan. But we’re good friends, really.
[updated : i've edited some names. i met them last saturday. they're getting married soon. it's a good thing to get married. they're good friends of mine, and if diana should know some hidden truth, she should not hear it from this blog, but to hear it from saiful himself.]
May I decapitate you and take your place?
yeah sure. but why would you want to do that? ey, wanna go party tomorrow? or r u going already?
when u getting married?
I love this post.. We all should be free to choose what we want to do in our life.
I thought we are not suppose to be friends with Taliban? :P
Party where? I have so much ciggie smoke in my system, that after I’m dead, my remains can cause lung cancer to the poor bastards who have to stick me in a crematorium.
Myhorng : when i’m becoming nuts. or old. or tak laku, and desperate. ahaha. no la. when i’m ready and have found the right person i guess. else, might stay single forever. and young for eternity =P
Tom : i’ve come to a conclusion that i always write things that no one wants to read. aahaha. forbidden things. super sensitive topics. boring even. lol. malaysian talibans can lah. not the real ones, lol.
Ching : same place. friday at 11. some of your famous friends like ky and i forgot who are going as well. and then not so famous me might go, might not go, might even cook at home during the weekend and have u coming over maybe? =P damn pandai right i pancing you, ahahah.
apple & ice-cream?
I once had a friend named Hafiz also. He was a classmate in Foundation Studies. He had long, unruly hair. Sometimes we catch him flipping boogers out the window and think to ourselves “Hmm, it’s no wonder he always fight with the tall, lanky Amoys (who traveled from class to class in a clan of clackity-shoes and hotpants-wearing kind)”.
So one day, we had the lanky Amoys spread themselves out (please insert obvious knees apart joke here), to see his reaction as he came into class. His ‘get-out-of-here-and-gimme-this-seat’ attack was easy. It was called the finger-nostril snort.
By the way, he supplies weed to fellow junkies in class. We called him Apek.
****************
I’m actually trying re-tune my body clock. Right now it points day=sleep, night=life. Let me think about it. mmkay.
P/S: This must be your longest comment ever. Spam spam spam spam spam.
I love this post, first things first. =D
I’ve been rather disillusioned with religion these days. I believe there is a God, and in heaven, and maybe to an extent hell, but I’m starting to believe less in religion.
I hate the way fear is instilled in every religion – if you don’t believe in me, you go to hell. If you don’t do this, you’ll go to hell. If you do that, you’ll go to hell. What happened to the God of love I was taught about?
And I find the way the religious talk about you of different religion or you who don’t believe the same way they do disgusting. It’s disgusting how they talk of how we should kill all infidels, and to an extent, it’s worse to see them shake their heads and go “we must save her. Let’s pray for God to help save her.”
I see so many people practicing blind faith, or faith with fear as a basis.
I had this conversation with a friend of mine, and she mentioned how an atheist on CNN once said that religion is only necessary for those who fear death. Which is true, really, because if you look at it, all religions have some sort of afterlife belief in them.
so fee-da-wos.one could assume that it’s okay for a man to sleep with different girls but if a girl sleeps around, she’s a slut eh? :P
nyam nyam nyam (i sedang makan you ni…)
I SERIOUSLY THINK U DAH TERLALU JAUH TERSESAT. IF U DON’T EVEN BELIEVE IN ISLAM’S PILLAR OF FAITH……….I JUST DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY. BUT IT’S STILL NOT TOO LATE.
owh .. the way u described hafis. he’s such a scumbag. hahaha..
hafis: no hard feeling!
ahemm. actually, it’s not “if you don’t do this, you go to hell and if you don’t do that, you go to hell”. it’s “if you do this, you go to hell and if you do that, you go to hell.” if you really look at it, everything that is forbidden has its value. has its reason. drinking is forbidden. why? because it’s proven – alcohol is bad for health. sex without wedlock is forbidden. why? because everything that comes after that will lost its value. virginity will be as cheap as a dime. the possibility to give a birth to a child without wedlock is high. and what will happen to them – the children?
but that’s just the look on the surface. that’s the general guideline. in the end, it’s the God that decides whether we would go to heaven or hell. and i think this would lead to another question – can God be fair in judging us?
but, i seriously think that we shouldn’t judge God or question Him. as a Muslim, the only thing that differentiate us between the non-Muslim is the faith. the Iman. we do as He had asked us to do. and we leave everything that He had said no to. we do not know what lies ahead of us, but we follow His signs, hoping to be at the best place near Him in afterlife. we’re not being a crazy follower. we’re being a faithful follower. because we believe.
life is complicated. i sometimes too, would question about things related to God, what’s fair and what’s not. why are we created in the first place, if that means, some of us would go to heaven and some would go to hell. but no one can answer that, because God has His secrets. I am curious about the meaning of Alif Lam Mim, and everyone is curious too, but God has His secrets.
i’m holding on Him, and praying every single day that I would not stray from His way. I believe in Him.
and life is too, too, too short to be proud. you’re a good person, i really do believe so. that’s why i keep coming here, be a silent reader. please repent, Firdauz. please, there’s still time.
lil bunny : uhuh. apples potong-potong, dan semangkuk aiskrim.
Ching : ahahahahahahahah. i love ur story! funny la u ching. do u have a blog? where do u keep all ur writings at. that, assuming that u do write la. because u write very well one. i like those lanky amoys, sounds so funny! and it’s okay to spam my blog one. go comment panjang-panjang also can.
Caffy : true enough. lol. we should be allowed to choose kan? it’s tiring when people are forcing us to believe what they believe. boring even. you find what u seek k. =)
Sina : ridiculous la u ni anis. i never said that! if u need my opinion, honestly, i do not know the answer because i haven’t been one who labeled what a slut is, does it have to be a girl, does it have to be a guy, how many girls and how many guys does it take before someone should be labeled as a slut. i do not know. i don’t even know if there’s such need to label anyone.
since u came out with the idea, care to explain whom can we call sluts?
(nyam, nyam. i makan u jugak. bluek!)
anonymous : hey. i actually understand u like completely. really i am. i’m a malay am i not? i was once like u too. concern about other malays who seem terpesong. u know, concern. rasa sedih pun ada, sayang pun ada, kesian pun ada. until one day i sat down and saw things i had never seen. i saw old people, chinese, indians, non malays who live their lives, not in the ways of the muslims, but in their ways of their own. eating forbidden food which for them, is just a yummy meal, not doing a crime, love their children, helping each other, loving the people etc etc. and i started to think : are they going to hell because they’re not muslims? i first thought of the simplest explanation : no one is going to hell unless agama islam telah disampaikan kepada mereka, dan mereka menolaknya. so i thought, maybe these old people have never learnt anything about islam. you know what my findings are? these old people, and many non muslims in malaysia especially, have learnt, have heard, know what islam is, you’ll be shoked that they know a lot too, yet they reject it because they don’t find islam suitable for them, or simply because they have no faith in it.
anonymous, as much as u want me to go to heaven, i’ve made my choice. i live just the way i want, and if i’m going to hell for it, i think i’ll be okay knowing they are billions of good people in hell as well. there will even be people like einstein, and millions more of my favourite writers, critical thinkers, inventors, life savers who have heard of islam and understood it yet rejected it. than to spend for eternity in heaven with some dudes with beard who fly planes and hit tall buildings and watch them having thousands of virgins around them and do whatever things they like in heaven.
let’s just say, i’m not tempted to go to heaven k. i’m okay with the idea being punished in hell for eternity among with the people who refuse to believe ur belief. so don’t worry too much about me. i’ve made my choice.
gegirll : ahahaha. i believe he’s a good guy as well. shit, now i feel bad writing about hafiz in the ways that give u the bad impression of him. he’s a nice guy la =)
anonymous : hi there. fair enough. you’ve said things u always wanted to say, although anonymously. feels relieved kan? i understand ur concern, i really do. but the thing is, i’ve made my choice. maybe it’s a bad choice, maybe it’s the worst. but nonetheless, it’s how i want to live. the best i could do is the respect others who make their own choices as well. you know, each person is unique, they don’t share a common view, what do we do then if not respecting their views? tell them they’re wrong? if they don’t listen we call them ignorant? why not learning to appreciate or even to celebrate the diversity among us. its not that hard. in fact, ill be the ignorant one if i keep telling people what i believe is right and what they believe is flawed, or totally wrong. it is for the same reason i never told anyone what they believe is wrong, or flawed, or even trying to correct them. when it comes to accepting opinions, i think im less bigoted, maybe it is bad, but its just me. of who i am and the choices i’ve made.
I share the exact same view as you. I’ve always told people that I’d not get married and adopt a kid, and let him/her choose whatever religion he/she wants to believe in. I do not believe in God myself, and even if others do I think they deserve to choose for themselves what they want to believe in. But I can’t stand people who won’t stop preaching about religion.
eh i want to ask something.
lol.
how do u know he kencing berdiri + duduk?
He show to u?
or u’re a pervert?
what’s the diff is a guy kencing berdiri or duduk?
I never know the outcome, benefits, aftermath of it.
Samantha L : exactly!!!!!!! it’s freaking disappointing right? sometimes i wonder why people are forcing a religion onto me. the fear of eschatological fire and their worries of being tortured those big flames are not mine, it’s theirs. its so hard for them to understand people see things differently, we have our own individual perspectives, and lives that we want to live just the way we want it.
it’s like saying “i do not want to go to heaven because i do not want to” a thousand times, yet, no one understands that i really don’t want it. not because i hate it. it’s because i don’t believe in it.
and yet, those who believe think we should repent and go to heaven with them, or without them, or if you can’t make it to heaven, try your best to stay away from going to hell. because hell is my greatest fear.
again, it’s their own fear. in a way, i think we kinda live in the shadows of somebody else’s fear.
that’s the problem with forcing a religion onto someone i think. people should have some freedom in what they want to believe. give them the liberty of choosing their own religion, don’t take away a person’s right to choose, kan kan =P
Gegirll : i know because 1) he told me 2) he use the urinals. i do not know the benefits of it. but i know that it’s forbidden in islam (or at least, it is not encouraged to do so in islam)
Firdy,
love ur thoughts so much. Cun :)
I have exactly the same thoughts as you. If I have children, I would do the same things as you!
Ko mmg lain. But I like (ayat gay)
hahaha
Hi Xian. Thank you. hihihi.
Yo aji, menarik baca writting ko ni.. tp aku ada sikit komen.. hehe pasal anak angkat ko tu.. it is predictable.. for sure dia akan pilih agama selain islam because islam full of restriction.. itu tak boleh ini tak boleh.. eg kristian banyak benda boleh untuk puaskan nafsu.. but why islam itu tak boleh ini tak boleh?? tu semua untuk kebaikan. Semua cara islam ada sebab and all are good for that person eg ko cite pasal kecing berdiri. Kenapa islam suruh kencing duduk? ko pun tau tu untuk kebersihan tak mercik sana sini kene seluar atau kaki.. nanti nak sembahyang dah tak boleh ada najis.. lepas kecing kene basuh.. tu semua untuk kebersihan. tu baru satu contoh.. benda2 lain kalau dikaji atau kalau malas.. tanya ustaz semua ada hikmah dia… :)
my 2 cents
I’m a muslim and to me being a muslim is more than just heaven and hell. for me is more about fitrah .i’m sorry for all the muslim who forced their religion onto you, they meant well. it is a duty of all muslim to make da’wah.
those happy people you see are they really happy? will they be happy every single day for the rest of their lives? what made them happy? are their actions made them happy? are they happy because they are non muslim? can you tell me that for sure?
as a muslim i’m looking more to contentment rather than happiness.
people who believe that they are able to give hidayah or to guide other people is missguided. Hidayah can only be given by Allah. Look at Prophet Muhammad S.A.W and his beloved uncle Abu Talib. even so it is an obligation onto all muslim to give da’wah.
There is npbody in this world that can say so and so is going to hell and so and so is going to heaven. that is again a missguidance. Only the prophets can claim this but they have done it not out of their own personal judgment but by divine revelations from Allah.
who says people are not given freedom to choose their religion???. you are a living proof of it.