Firdauz takes 5

Standing facing each other in a triangular arrangement in an elevator had given me a chance to stare at Vernice’s boobs while she stared at a Malay girl with a headscarf — i thought that was awkward.

When we got out from the elevator, i had asked, “Why did you stare at the girl?”

“Her tudung got a pin sticking out, why did she put a pin up there ah?”

“I don’t know,”

“I thought you’re a Malay?”

“I’m half-Malay only,” and half-pervert, told my heart.

I thought that was awkward — i caught Vernice staring at a girl, no one caught me staring at her boobs. Oh yes! Life is so unfair, boohoo!

Pada suatu hari,

di sebuah restaurant Jepun yang menyediakan makanan siapa-cepat-dia-dapat — dan makanan kalau order memang susah atau lambat betul nak dapat —, Encik Firdy yang terkenal dengan sifat sopan santunnya, dengan iklhlasnya telah berkata;

“Perempuan Tua, saya cintakan kamu.”

“Oh, cinta plastic kamu tu? Yang kamu katakan juga kepada seribu wanita lain tu?”

Muka Perempuan Tua ini sungguh menakutkan! jerit hati Encik Firdy. “Perempuan Tua, bukan seribu wanita la, dua rabus ribu, tahu!” dan dia menyambung, “dan kamu bukan yang terakhir!”

“Ooooohhhhhhhh,”

“Kamu buat saya stressed! Kamu buat saya stressed!” jerit Encik Firdy, “berhenti buat muka yang menakutkan itu!”

“Oooohhhhhhh,”

Katakutan, Encik Firdy menyorok dibawah meja. Dan kemudiannya dipujuk;

“Firdy, you want sex after this?” pujuk Perempuan Tua, “cepat makan, jangan buat perangai cute you tu.”

“Ya, saya akan habiskan semua makanan yang di atas meja ini dengan segera!” dan kemudiannya menyambung, “Perempuan Tua, saya sayang kamu kerana kamu bukan perempuan terburuk yang penah saya jumpa.”

“Oh yeah? Ada orang lagi buruk dari I?”

“Ada. Nama dia terpaksa saya rahsiakan. Perempuan Tua, cuba kamu baca fikiran saya,” Encik Firdy menarik tangan Perempuan Tua, dan meletakkannya ke dahi Encik Firdy. “Nampak tak metal image Perempuan Muda yang jauh lagi buruk dari kamu.”

“My Gosh, terkejut i tengok mental image you,” Perempuan Tua mengusap dadanya yang berombak ketakutan. “Siapa Perempuan Muda tersebut?!”

“Nama dia bukan Carol,” jawab Encik Firdy.

Namanya bukan Carol, bisik hati Encik Firdy.

“Ahh.. Perempuan Tua, mari pulang ke rumah dan membuat dosa-dosa manis.”

Dan pulanglah Perempuan Tua dan Encik Firdy ke rumah dan tamatlah cerita bergambar ini.

Suka hati tak adik-adik semua.

=P

when you’re fat and ugly, take pictures and show them to the world.

Ahahahahaha. I very fat and ugly. Wooohooo!

Chill people. Everyone has to go through these Fat-and-Ugly phases. And it usually doesn’t last that long. I’ve been through these phases a billion times and every time, i had managed to have gotten back proper sleep again, enough rest again, balanced meals again, and i’ve lost and gained weight like on and off.

But it the meantime, i’m fat and ugly and i think, i kinda enjoy it. Hahaha.

She got flowers la, Godiva chocolate la, iPhone la, and bra also she got one. She very lucky, i very jealous!

I didn’t get her any present, yet. But i told her she looked so hot the other day, although yeah, i kinda lied about it, but sweet lies make Carol happy!

Carol, you’re so pretty! Happy Birthday!

I’VE GAINED WEIGHT AND I HAVE MEGA EYEBAGS AND I VERY UGLY AND YOU DIRTY PEOPLE SHOULD STOP READING THIS BLOG.

I very ugly nowadays.

=(

After morning love, with trashy hair and her face and mine resembled of those ugly dreamers, we had held hands and ran towards the first light.

and we threw ourselves to the sky, and watched the moon being eaten by the first light.

But when the light stretched, and returned us to a brighter and warmer morning, we had stayed in bed and fell in love, for all future time.

Girl A : Firdauz, can we (Girl A and her friend) crash at your place tonight. I kena siapkan kerja.

Me : Tonight and tomorrow i ada tetamu la.

Girl A : Eleh.. Lady misteri tu kan. Kirim salam kat dia ok.

and i told Girl B that Girl A had asked me if she could come over.

Girl B : I’m not staying over la tonight, you ask la Girl A to come.

Oh girls, they are always like this kan. And there was a time and a chance for Girl A and Girl B to meet, Girl A stayed at my place overnight, Girl B came in the morning. But Girl B refused to meet Girl A because Girl A knows about Girl D. Girl B doesn’t like Girl C and D.

Then i had asked Girl C.

Me : Girl C, Bukit Gasing is on Sunday kan?

Girl C : No, Bukit Gasing on Saturday lah. Bukan ke you cakap kat I Sunday is your sex day?

Me : Yeah, but now dah tukar Saturday (and Friday, and Wednesday, and Monday).

Girl C : Ok, Sunday then. But i confirm nanti tau.

Girl A, B, C and D are good friends of mine. You might know who Girl A and C are. Girl A is a celebrity. Girl C is a hottie. Girl B is the mysterious lady.

Girl D is the sister of Girl A.

And me, i’m the unlucky guy. I have my days all tangled up. So now Sex is on Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday, and Dating is on Sunday.

I have to remember this, Sex is on Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday, and Dating is on Sunday. Ok, i got them.

Have a good weekend people =)

She’s not VeryNice anymore, she formatted my iPod!

and yes, my iPod is the device i use for backup, so if my iPod is formatted, what does it mean?

I HAVE NO FREAKING BACKUP!

Wahlau, i have almost no life right now.

***

“You don’t look like you’re angry,” asked a colleague after seeing me laughing and joking about how my iPod was a lot more lighter — about 20 billion grams lighter — and puzzled at the fact, i lost all backup files and laughed about it.

“Yeah, because it’s VeryNice. If it’s Carol, i would have scolded kaw kaw one!”

Call me superficial, or shallow, or whatever, but how can a guy scold a pretty girl? I know it’s easy to be mad at Carol, because u know, ermmm ok, i should learn to lie.

Carol, you’re very pretty!

(gosh it feels so bad lying)

Satu tahun dahulu, waktu bulan Ramadhan baru masuk hari kedua, adik lelaki aku Zaid telah memikirkan jenaka bulan mulia yang paling kelakar untuk aku, dia bertanya (sambil sedia untuk ketawakan aku):

“Abang Firdauz, jom pegi sembahyang terawih.”

Sebelum sempat dia ketawa besar-besaran, aku bertanya, “Kejap, sembahyang terawih banyak-banyak rakaat ni nak halau ape eh? Bukan semua syaitan, iblis, mat salleh, firaun, boyz to men, dah kena kurung ke?”

Oh, itu satu tahun duhulu, waktu bulan Ramadhan baru masuk hari kedua, yang ini pula minggu lalu, waktu Abang bertunang dan aku baru disatukan dengan keluarga. Sedikit pelik ok, agak janggal berjumpa semula dengan mereka setelah agak lama aku disisihkan. Sebab pemikiran ketuhanan yang berbeza, buat seketika, kami saling tidak menghubungi, sehingga lah Abang bertunang dan aku berangan di hari pertungangannya, untuk berkahwin dengan siapa-siapa je lah kamu sibuk betul kan.

Sebab tidak tahan tekanan rambut kerinting ini asyiklah dimainkan semua orang, jadi aku mencari mangsa untuk melepaskan tekanan. Oh, berjumpa adik yang paling halus — tingginya lebih sedikit dari kerusi makan, dan lebarnya halus, sehalus anak kecil darjah 5, dan dia sudah mencecah 18 tahun — tapi berperut buncit, dan kebetulan hari itu dia berjerawat.

Jadi aku berkata dalam nada seorang abang yang bukan terbaik, “Fa, kalau dah besar nanti kan, Fa tak cukup duit nak buat plastic surgery, Fa tukar roh dengan badan perempuan biasa pun takpa Fa.”

Memang aku bukan abang yang terbaik.

I woke up to catch a glimpse of your smile and realized how much i love you. I do not know if i have ever felt this way, or went to walking on this road; maybe i’ve forgotten about all these, about how it’s like being in love.

Maybe i’ve never been in love, but i saw you when i woke up alone this morning in my bed, i saw you beside me. I saw you smiling at me, and i grabbed the cold pillow and you hugged me and i reached your hand from my back and brought it to my lips and i almost fell into something, love maybe.

Am i in love? I do not know. I have no experience, i’m not the best of a lover, not the best of anything, never been the best of a thing or many. I’m not someone whom anyone is proud of but a person, smaller than everyone, shorter not because i lack of confidence, but juvenile, perhaps because i just escaped from something, my own shadow maybe.

Where was i all these while?

I find this new place a little strange, it feels safe like home when you’re around, and it sounds like complete silence when you’re not, i can only hear my own voice.

Voices that spoke to me, and wrote this note in my bed when i woke up minutes ago and saw you smiling at me. You were beautiful, nothing like these silly words of mine.

You were beautiful, nothing like the delayed emotions of mine.

Was i late? To love you beautiful.

It is true what the say about weddings, you can do it on the weekends, you can do it in your ragged jeans and you can do it in your head.

So i did it in my ragged jeans, in the drizzling rain that dribbled down a bright weekend and showed me the color of a cold evening, i had wed my loved one. We kissed and danced, and danced and kissed, and in no particular order, we danced and we kissed.

“So, lepas ni, turn kamu pulak kan?” asked everyone who came to my brother’s engagement ceremony. They came to ask me a wrong question, so i told them the wrong answer :

“Tak adelah. Lambat lagi kot. Girlfriend pun takde seorang.”

Yeah. Way to write a fiction. The truth is, i did marry my wife during my brother’s engagement ceremony — no one saw us dancing and kissing — and my wife got pregnant after the long dance, and gave birth to 4 kids while i was kissing her.

Yeah. Way to write the story of my life.

I now live with 13 cats and named each one of them after the people who had asked me of when i would get married. I have 6 kids and my wife named them after her previous boyfriends and crushes.

We live happily ever after.

***

The writing is fictional, but Abang’s engagement has indeed reunited me with my family. Selamat bertunang Abang!

and yes, i love my family, and they do, love me as much.

I do not know how to start this, or even if i could start with the right words to tell the story of last night with Diana, but if i must do it with honesty, then i’d start with who Diana was, and what we had back in 2007.

Diana was her third name, the first being Tuan, and the second being a common name whom everyone referred to her as. Although i never called her Diana, i find it easier to write this story using this name.

What Diana and i had back in 2007 was nothing to even begin with. I fell in love with her. She rejected me. I moved on, or tried to move on. While trying to move on, or thought that i had moved on, she went out with almost every guy from my office, including my ex-employer, and when i found out about it, i told to my ex-employer;

“I fucking quit because you’re fucking lie to me. You encouraged me to go after Diana, you gave me reasons of why i should go after her, yet behind me, you fucking went out with her.”

My ex-employer told me boring lies such as “Oh, i only went out with her because i wanted to see if she’s good enough with you, Firdauz”. My ex-employer was a world class liar, a con man whose reputation was being extremely good with lies.

And if i have to write this story with a constant honesty, i can’t do it without telling you what my ex-employer was trying to do to Diana.

So this is me, writing with less stories to tell.

And this is me, trying to tell you how i spent dinner with Diana last night, with the wrong words to begin with.

So last night was a double-date, not in the sense that i went out with Diana and there was another couple joining us. No, not that kind of a double-date. It was a kind where i dated 2 girls on the same night. And the gap between them was only 15 minutes.

And before we reached to the final minutes of our dinner date, Diana had said :

“You’ve changed kan Firdauz. You’re such hot stuff right now,”

I took it as a joke, because hot stuff is not who i was, nor who i am, nor who i’ll ever be. I don’t belong in those groups. I belong in a much boring group where the people of my kind enjoy spending their days and weeks mingling, getting to know all kinds of people, listening to their stories and views and radical ideas sometimes, not to agree with them, but to just, listen.

I enjoy listening to people, and i had listened to every story Diana told me last night, and spoke none of my own.

All i did mostly was listening to her, even when i didn’t agree with some of the sentiments like, ‘open relationship’, ‘I’m hot stuff’. Ridiculous things, i thought. But funny, some of them.

And after the dinner date with Diana, was a delicious supper, was a sweet dessert with my Sayang, 15 minutes after Diana had left. My Sayang had asked me how the date was with Diana, i told her “It was okay, she thought that i’m hot stuff baby dia bodoh kan,” and continued, “but baby, i think you’re hot stuff,” and kissed her on the neck.

Indeed, My Sayang was hot stuff. Freaking delicious.

This is Diana.

and this is my Sayang, hot stuff.

“Was I sleeping, while the others suffered? Am I sleeping now?

Tomorrow, when I wake, or think I do, what shall I say of today?

That with Estragon my friend, at this place, until the fall of night, I waited for Godot?

That Pozzo passed, with his carrier, and that he spoke to us? Probably. But in all that what truth will there be?

He’ll know nothing. He’ll tell me about the blows he received and I’ll give him a carrot. Astride of a grave and a difficult birth. Down in the hole, lingeringly, the grave-digger puts on the forceps.

We have time to grow old.

The air is full of our cries”

- Vladimir, Waiting for Godot.

Sex in the morning with Sayang didn’t taste like sausages, or bacon, or wholemeal bread, or sunny side ups — it tasted warm like the first sun’s rays that streamed through the glass windows of my air conditioned room, it felt better than a hot shower.

With Estrella playing on loop, i had said “Baby, i sayang you,”

“Yeah? Don’t sayang me too much ok.”

“Ok, i sayang you sikit je tau,” and i went to kissing her neck, nibbled at her earlobe, she said something i didn’t understand so i went to kissing her lips, and put my left hand at her back, and my right hand holding her lower jaw and made soft circles on her neck.

“Baby,”

“Yes.”

“You’re so naughty kan?”

I didn’t understand what she meant by me being naughty. Do you?

After i had trouble understanding her words, or pretended not to have understood them — in either situation had led us to the morning sex — and in between smiling and being all sunshine about the smallest things we talked about, she had said, “Baby, don’t leave your breakfast tau nanti today at work.”

“You mean don’t skip breakfast issit?”

“Yeaahhhhh.. you suka ejek i kan? It was a direct Malay-English translation.”

“No la baby. I sayang my breakfast la. I won’t leave my breakfast ok. Saaayyaaang my breakfast.”

***

I’m in a relationship with a silly girl. My mornings don’t taste like sausages, or bacon, or wholemeal bread, or sunny side ups — they taste like puppy love in a rattan basket.

Mornings with Sayang taste like puppy love in a rattan basket with a warm blanket, in an air-conditioned room.

“Baby, I wish your’re here tau. There are so many beds upstairs.”

“Yeah? You have fun tau sayang.”

“I am, i am. Baby, i come with Jacquelyn tau.”

“Oh, the girl you used to like tu ke?”

“Aah. But i’ve gotten over her kan. We’re just friends. I have you kan right now.”

She wanted me to enjoy the party, i understand. So i told her “Baby, if i kiss a few girls takpe kan?”

and she replied, “You’re so cute you know.”

“But i always kiss girls one!”

“I know. But don’t get too drunk tau.”

I have the best sayang ever!

but i sayang you so much kan monyet.

In a restaurant, while waiting for the food and in between kissing her lips and touching her hands, she had asked, “Sayang, can we go home now?”

“Yeah, sure. We cancel the order ok.”

“No, You makan la dulu. You lapar kan?”

She spoke the language of a girl — i want you to do this, but i also want you to do that. It was a language that i didn’t speak but understood. So we doubled the speed of a quick dinner and went home; i pushed her against the wall, spoke the language of my own, moved her to the bed, and ate her heart.

“Sayang, do you love me?”

“Yes, i love you. Baby, don’t stop.”

It was when she was screaming my name and asking me not to stop that i had stopped to ask if she had loved me, like how i had loved listening to her saying things she was unsure of. (i love you too la you stupid kan)

Then, in between adventurous sex, we read blogs.

“Baby, who’s this guy. Issit Nabil?”

“I dunno. I tak tengok Raja Lawak.”

“Then how do you know that Nabil is from Raja Lawak then?”

Ahhh… guilty pleasure issit? You tengok Raja Lawak then you think it’s just too Malay to your liking kan? Fadiot kan you ni.

^_^

P/s : Sorry, comments are closed. It’s just a personal post.