Archive | May, 2009

Life is unfair.

26 May

Life is unfair.

“Life will be fairer in 6 more weeks,” she said, and put the tube of Fair & Lovely — a cheap 5-ringgit-30 whitening cream she bought at Mydin, her favourite place to shop but was also a secret she never shared — on the table, and smiled to the mirror and herself, desiring to look like her favourite singer, Kelly Clarkson.

By the second week, she put on a little weight, bought herself a white dress with creamy lace and it looked almost like a nightgown than a dress and told herself “this is the dress i’m going wear once i become me.”

By the 4th week, nothing was more ironic than wanting to look like her favourite singer, or her ownself, or perhaps, to just look like her sister. Everything went so wrong, her sister looked much prettier, herself looked the same, her favourite singer had made her think, “or was it just the smile?”. So she went to the mirror then smiled a thousand smiles and twirled like a plump girl, “or maybe just the face,” she said and pinched her right cheek a gentle pinch and danced with the new dress, a little happy dance.

By the 6th week, i met her.

“My God, you’re so ugly you almost made me believe in God,” i told and asked “Are you not Carol?”

“Yeah, i’m not Carol,” she added, “wrong person i guess,” and probably wrote that in her secret blog.

Life is so unfair, she thought.

*Watak dalam cerita fiksyen ini tiada kaitan dengan mereka yang masih hidup, atau telah mati atau pernah bekerja sekali dalam satu pejabat yang sama atau masih bekerja dalam pejabat yang sama. Fiksyen ini adalah rekaan semata-mata. That’s why it’s totally ridiculous! =P

Oh yes we are.

24 May

I was busy running the cursor on the laptop screen — was in the office at night — when the message came in;

“*hugs* suddenly thought of you, hence the sms. lol.”

It was from Jacquelyn, the girl i kissed her lips on the first date, and i didn’t get the 2nd date and was left broken-hearted and i almost went nuts, or at least i exaggerate this line and fabricate this story so that i’d look much of a loser, for the literary impact and for the sake to gain sympathy.

Boo fucking hoo Firdy.

But of course, the only part that i exaggerated was the part i said i almost went nuts. I’m pretty much compos mentis and even if i’m a little nutty, it wasn’t because of Jacquelyn.

So i replied, “Hey, i’m Firdauz. Are you sure the message is for me?” Because i thought, after all things that she didn’t tell me — that i’m ugly, in her words of ‘you’re not for me and i wish you a happy end, to live and to die smiling with the girl who loves you for eternity and cries and wears black outfit when you die’ — she could have sent the message to the wrong person.

In short, i was worried that the message she sent wasn’t for me but to someone else. In a longer explanation, i could have written the previous paragraph in no less than 3 thousand words that wouldn’t make much sense but kind of fun. If fact, i kinda did.

And she replied, “-_- Yes Firdy. I know it’s you la. Haha. Dun want is it?”

And I replied, “I want! Hihihi. Hug you back!”

And she replied, “Hehe, See? A hug a day makes people happy =). Eat your dinner on time. I go makan now. *nom nom nom*”

And if i were to be honest with my writing, i kinda imagined hugging her and pressing my chest against her breasts, and fondling with, i don’t know.

Guys are so typical! But we’re kinda cute, aren’t we?

=P

Firdauz takes liberties : I eat pork.

20 May

If i were to ask a Malaysian, “What is the most consumed meat in Malaysia?” i wouldn’t be surprised if that fellow citizen might answer me, that it was chicken our favourite meat.

But by saying that we eat chicken the most, is just another one’s opinion based probably, on one’s personal observation or based probably, on one’s personal fear to mention all meat but pork. Offensive, they might say. Sensitive, they might say. Chicken sounds like a safe answer, plus, too many KFC’s, they are everywhere and everybody’s been eating chicken, they might say.

But the truth, the factual truth, as of 2008, with the population of Muslims in Malaysia is at 60.4%, and assuming only the non-muslims in Malaysia eat pork, as reported by Malaysia’s Department of Veterinary Services, the most consumed meat is pork, and not chicken — chicken, you lose — even if we assume 100% of us in Malaysia eat a hell lot of chicken and we further assume only 39.6% of us Malaysians who are non-mulims eat pork, pork still wins.

Bravo pork, bravo.

The most consumed meat in Malaysia, says the actual truth, is pork, . We ate 201,920 metric tons of pork, 150,696 metric tons of beef, and 953.36 metric tons of poultry meat (chicken, ducks, etc) as of 2008. Now doesn’t that surprise you.

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Pork has always been Malaysia’s most consumed meat, beating all other meat and livestock products.

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These statistics can be obtained at Laman Web Rasmi Jabatan Perkhidmatan Veterinar.

I eat pork, it’s delicious plus, i’m not a believer of the official religion of this country, nor am i a believer of any religion. Plus, i don’t believe in false scientific discoveries that tell me pork, when consumed, can cause me no less than seventy different types of diseases. I quote Zakir Naik, a muslim scholar and a medial doctor by profession for that.

“The pig is the most shameless animal on the face of the earth. It is the only animal that invites its friends to have sex with its mate. In America, most people consume pork. Many times after dance parties, they have swapping of wives; many say ‘you sleep with my wife and I will sleep with your wife.’ If you eat pigs then you behave like pigs.

Eating of pork can cause no less than seventy different types of diseases. A person can have various helminthes like roundworm, pinworm, hookworm, etc.

- Zakir Naik, and his false scientific discoveries.

I call it a false scientific discovery because there’s no scientific proof to further support his claims. I call it a false scientific study because even in Malaysia, we don’t swap wives and tell them “Okay, you sleep with my wife, i sleep with yours,” because we consume pork. Do people swap wives because they eat pork? Do Malaysians swap wives? Ok, do Malaysian Chinese who eat so much pork — until the statistics provided by the Malaysia’s Department of Veterinary Services went nuts because they ate too much pork — have so many diseases and swap wives?

Do you know anyone who doesn’t eat pork and actually lives longer than the people who eat too much pork and may die the next day?

The factual truth is, pork, like any other meat, even chicken, even fish, even KFC Zinger Burger can cause you diseases on various conditions that allow them to do so. It’s not pork that you should blame on but the pathogenic microorganisms, or your own body immune system.

Pork, although it is the most consumed meat in Malaysia, ironically, could get me into trouble, might even put my life into danger, if i were to eat publicly, or to tell anyone openly like this, that i don’t believe in false scientific discoveries about pork, and i love to eat pork.

Pork is delicious, and is safe to be eaten. It’s the most consumed meat in Malaysia, it’s probably the most consumed meat in the whole universe — who knows if aliens eat pork and fly UFOs — but for pork’s sake, i hope for a better tomorrow.

By tomorrow, i meant Bak Kut Teh, guys? Tomorrow? Please? Pork pork?

=(

The Sun.

19 May

I took her silk ponytail scarf and read, “Coach, what the heck you fashion addict girl,” and tied it around my neck.

She shouted, “You faggot! Tanggal la, jangan la pakai scarf i, malu la. I taknak jalan dengan you.”

I looked in the mirror and saw how old i was, how fat i was, and how uglier i was becoming and didn’t care about pimples or eye bags, and neither did i care much about the funny wrinkles that complemented my smile and sat at the corners of my eyes, when i tried to express fake contentment with my lips brought higher, and saw the little truth in the mirror.

It was fatigue, not aging, i thought in denial.

Oh the sun, i saw it from where i stood, smiling at me, and its face warmed up my skin, gave me life and aged me.

I walked closer to the windows, and let the strong wind and the bright sun to touch me, and didn’t care if tomorrow, i’d become a day older.

I’ll age for you, told the almost 29-year-old me, to a 34-year-old girl, who was snapping my pictures, and was also, a fashion addict.

I’ll age for you, old lady and sun.

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I want nobody, but you.

16 May

Ermm… delicious.

Hahahaahahahaahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahhahaha.

“I want nobody, nobody, but you.”

=P

Bak Kut Teh is a friend.

14 May

“Baby, esok nak lunch kat Bukit Asam Jawa tak?” asked a girl.

And i thought, where in the world is Bukit Asam Jawa? Sounds like a sour Javanese. Then i replied, “Esok maybe i go Bak Kut Teh with my friends. I’ll confirm with you tomorrow boleh?”

And i thought, the flesh of swine in a herbal soup, cooked for hours with bones and spices and secret ingredients and this broth is so delicious, it’s forbidden to whisper the recipe or to pass a bowl or two, to the people who wish to go to heaven with some Arab friends.

That’s it, i thought. Bak Kut Teh is a friend, i’ll go to hell with some Chinese friends. And i had asked the same girl, “Baby, Bukit Asam Jawa tu dekat mana?”

She replied, “Tamarind Hill.”

Bodoh, Tamarind Hill! I wanna go there, but i wanna go Bak Kut Teh also, How ah? How ah?

Bukit Asam Jawa, or Klang Bah Kut Teh?

“Baby, can we have a quickie if i go lunch with you tomorrow?” I had asked, in the hope that i can fong fei kei some chinese friends of mine for a brief sex and an exotic indochinese lunch on a hill.

God, help me decide. Amen.

I’m Batman,

12 May

or maybe i’m Robin.

But anyways, when i was a kid, i didn’t know how to camwhore. And now that i do know how to camwhore, i do not know how to stop.

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I love my cheap candies! Can someone buy me the one with the Malaysian Flag with it. I love that one as well.

And i’ll sayang forever whoever buys me candies.

Eeek, i poked someone else’s butt.

9 May

Before the party started, Anis Majid text me, “Baby, jangan naughty tau. Jangan grope anyone’s butt tau sayang.”

I told her, “Uhuh,” but being me, well, being me, oh well,

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I BLAME VODKA AND LIME FOR THIS!

I’M USUALLY A GOOD GUY AND SOMETIMES VERY LOYAL OKAY

=(

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This isn’t me asking for a kiss. I’m a devil and i swear to God this is a doctored picture!

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Dear Diary,

5 May

I wonder if you would ever say “Yes, Firdy,” or have u heard of Sade — (what fabric are you wearing beneath by the way, and what color?) — and sing with me, dear Diary, dear diary, i wonder if you would ever say “Yes, Firdy. Yes, Firdy,” and sing with me.

Dear Diary,

I’m almost gay.

Dear Diary,

God hates fags, ugly and fat people.

Dear Diary,

I’m fat, and ugly, and almost a homosexual — or at least, i’ve thought that i might am. And yes my dear Diary, i’m half-dirty. Macam bapuk kan? Dear Diary, dear Diary, these are the recent pictures of me.

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Dear Diary,

Is it pretentious to be writing like this?

Dear Diary,

Look at me.

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Dear Diary,

Do you think i’m in love? Everyone says so and i have no super entity to talk to, God’s taking vacation, missing in action since He last spoke to some dude with fancy beard in the desert riding on a camel about some 2 thousand years ago i think.

They first met in a cave, i think.

Dear Diary,

I think i’m special, a little loopy and nuts maybe, but dear Diary, i’m special, i think.

***

For good food with reasonable price with no government or service tax, go to :

The Pink Sage.
Capsquare,
Kuala Lumpur.
Tel: 03 – 2693 6000
(It’s 3 minute-walk from Dang Wangi LRT)

I had a starter, 2 main courses, 3 drinks, a dessert and the bill was only RM61.00 and the food was good.