Firdauz takes 5

The telco, DiGi sent me a message to notify they were deducting RM3 for the monthly fee, curious, she asked,

“Baby, FnFPlus ni apa?”

“Friends and Family Plus.”

“Why do you have to pay extra for it?”

“For the girlfriends tambahan, i kena bayar extra RM 3.”

“You know, i went to KLCC and met this mother and her daughter, and they looked really rich you know,” told my boss with all the hand gestures, describing the decent clothing they had on them.

“Ok.”

“So i started to tell them where i work, and the daughter said ‘Oooooohhhh, you know the guy with the curly hair? What’s his name again?’ So i started to think, did you sleep with this girl?”

Did i?

Apart from having a big butt and bunny teeth, she never went to the doctors for any sickness, except of course for lovesickness.

2 of her previous boyfriends were physicians, 1 was a pilot, the rest they say, better kept as a mystery. She’s 34 now and shortsighted and ending up with me.

Great.

Ever since 3 days ago — because if you count every second of it, you might lose your mind thinking how long 3 days is — she had been telling me about her breast. I, of course, was thinking of the future. Getting married, kids, the mortage for the house, getting divorced, remarry, getting divorced again, becoming gay and whatsoever. Point is, i did the thinking. And i’d like to think i did it very well.

And so, i asked, after much thought, “Baby, breast you sakit lagi ke?”

“Uhuh.”

“You go to the doctor la baby. But, nanti kan, doctor tu picit-picit breasts you baby.”

“Takpe, i suka. Kalau doctor tu handsome lagi best.”

I think, she should check for Alzheimer’s as well. Poor old woman.

who dresses fashionably, comes to the office and asks, “Did you like the pisang goreng?”

“Yeah i did!”

(and your daughter too, i think)

Lovely photos courtesy of Michelle but i edited them until they become horrible!

These,

these,

and this.

For i’ve been a good boy. I finished my rice today. Heeeee.

(Pictures taken from Clae and La Boca)

After a cigarette on a late night catching the last train, as i hurried down the escalator — thinking about Anis and how she always made me laugh, and how i always disappointed her — as i reflected on myself, and saw some of the bright and some of the strange colors of my life, was i late to love, unconditionally my dear?, a young Malay girl, a little chubby but never she was chubbier than i am, ran down a little quicker than i was with her Chinese friend. I would not have decided that this was a special even should i have not noticed she was wearing tudung, and her friend was a Chinese guy.

I decided that they were a pair of young lovers, based on the same assumption i had on Nicholas and Jestina. Love is always abstract, i thought, but also observable.

It made me smile, it always made me smile to see the wisdom of human being : to love and to care; and brought me to a conversation that took place about a weeks ago, in a sushi restaurant.

There were about 7 of us, one of them asked, “Hey, does Perempuan Tua eat pork?”

“No,” i said, “she’s muslim.”

“Oh, but she doesn’t mind you eating pork?”

“Kinda. She’s quite religious actually. Or at least her belief in Islam is somewhat firm. But things work out between us. As much as she believes in a religion that i don’t and perhaps never will, she does not force her belief onto me.”

Perempuan Tua once asked. “Baby, if i wear tudung, you jalan dengan i tak?” I said, “of course.”

Of course my dear.

Malam itu, semua orang mabuk. Yang paling mabuk, mungkin aku. Mungkin juga Carol, mungkin juga kekasih selamanya, Timothy. Aku, terlalu mabuk untuk tentukan siapa yang paling mabuk. Yang pastinya, tak mungkin tiada yang mabuk, sebab kami minum arak sambil mengaitkan semua haruf — dari A sampai ke Z — dengan seks, dan menjerit-jerit meluahkan marah yang terpendam pada orang yang sebenarnya kami peduli, dan mungkin juga sayang, jika kami tidak cukup mabuk.

Sebelum kami cukup mabuk, David memulakan teka-tekinya, “What do you call Transformers’ mother and father?”

Lamanya seperti bertahun, rasanya seperti berzaman-zaman, semua orang masih berdiam. Soalan ini tidak lazim. Soalan begini, memang susah. Sebab Transformers, lazimnya, — seperti yang aku tonton di kaca television sewaktu kecil dahulu — tidak menyambut Hari Bapa, tidak menyambut Hari Ibu, mahupun Hari Guru walau dipaksa sekalipun. Transformers tidak makan, tidak minum, tidak kesekolah. Kerja mereka hanya satu : perang dan bunuh sesama sendiri. Cerita begini, memang sesuai untuk kanak-kanak riang waktu dahulu. Sekarang, kanak-kanak manic diajar menjadi penyayang. Dunia memang gila.

Setalah lama semua berdiam, David bersuara, “You know what they call them?” Semua mata menunggu jawapan. “You call Transformers’ mother and father, Transparent.”

Jadi aku cadangkan, kalau Transparent ini datang ke Malaysia, dan beranak-pinak, dan mahukan hak bumiputra, kita panggilkan sahaja mereka ini Transnational.

I told, “Baby, i lost my camera!”

And i could hear my girlfriend say, Padan muka, berpoya-poya lagi dengan perempuan lain kat Miri tu! Or was that when i got back in KL and she laughed at it?

But anyway in Miri, i lost all of the memorable pictures taken with my camera and thank heaven not my virginity because i still believe in sex after, who knows, marriage?

(and the pictures below, were not from mine. it’s from the girl whose name i shall not mention for my girlfriend will kick me hard in the butt if i do)

Just kidding. She’d actually kill me.

Sweet Michelle, on last weekend, had surprised me with a bag of delicious banana fritters. So sweet of her to have dropped by and so thoughtful of her to have come when my girlfriend was at home, else, i would have shown Michelle the view from my balcony, not that it has a nice view, but they say.. you know what they say.

I thanked Michelle for the banana fritters, we chatted for a bit, she snapped a picture of me with the food she bought, and off she went, to paradise i think, or some place nicer than mine.

I, went home. To my most beloved girlfriend.

My girlfriend and me ate the banana fritters.

“Tell Michelle,” told my girlfriend, “goreng pisang tu sedap.”

“You’re sending her a message, right?”

“Taklah,”

“Then why do you want me to tell Michelle goreng pisang tu sedap? She didn’t know that i gave some to you.”

She just smiled. Oh, the brilliant women of my cursed life.

A young and pretty student comes to a professor’s office. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. “I would do anything to pass this exam.”

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. “I mean,” she whispers, “I would do anything.”

He returns her gaze. “Anything?”

“Anything.”

The professor comes to her ears and whispers, softly he says, “Would you… study?”

Untuk 3 hari di Miri bersama perempuan yang bukan teman wanita, atau teman separa wanita (saya gemar membayangkan bahawasanya, perempuan kedua tersebut seorang lelaki pemain bola), cukup untuk membuat teman wanita pertama-dan-selamanya seperti mahu mencapai pisau, dan begini katanya;

“Baby, I love you.” Kata teman wanita pertama-dan-selamanya dalam tulisannya dari Kuala Lumpur, yang dihantar ke Miri. Sedikit geram, mungkin.

Seperti biasa, sedikit penipuan (oh, semua lelaki menipu. Dan semua perempuan tahu lelaki memang penipu. Ditipu dan menipu itu roda kebahagian, kata si penipu) di lontar pada ayat begini;

“Me too Baby. I wanna go home. Miss you so much.”

Kemudianya, Si Penipu (mungkin juga si penulis) berlari-lari di pantai Piasau, dan kemudiannya bermain buaian di celah pohon-pohon tinggi dipayung langit terang, dia ketawa. Tidak lama ketawanya, dia mencapai telefon bimbit dari dasar saku dan dibacanya tulisannya begini;

“Betul? Tak baik kata miss kat i kalau tipu-tipu. Nanti Willy you jadi pendik.”

Life is difficult.

Judd Sta. Maria got robbed by 2 men in one of the busiest streets in Manila. At the speed of crime, one of them, withdrew a gun from the holster and pointed the muzzle at him, making a clear statement it was either his life or his belongings, or both. It happened in the mid-afternoon during a day in which he was taking photos of the city.

The city of Manila, according to Judd who has been living in the city for almost what seems to have been his entire youth, shares a lot of similarities with Kuala Lumpur. The design of the buildings, the moody traffic — to a point where it can become depressive and even manic –, the price of a Big Mac and the average income of the working-class citizens, they all are about the same except for the price of a bottle of San Miguel and a pack of Dunhill. Judd Sta. Maria tells, the city of Manila never sleeps and only allows him to sleep, in average, 4 hours a day.

I become much like a friend to Judd Sta. Maria the night i brought him to feast on the middle-eatern food and tricked him to finish every bit of it, and partied in two different clubs until the sun rose, almost twice — one for Judd Sta. Maria, and one for me –, and made Kuala Lumpur the city of friendship.

Today, I learnt that if you’re a lousy boyfriend like i am, and you date girls as though you’re still single like i do, and your livid girlfriend says, “go to her la. Don’t cari me anymore!” and your reply is “but baby, you’re 1000 times better than her,” and that does not work. You say;

“But baby, you’re 1000 times prettier than her.”

That, could actually work.

(or you could stop being a lousy self-proclaimed bohemian boyfriend and be loyal to her)

(or you could pull a puppy face like this)

(works better if you stick your tongue out, and you don’t have a tired i-wanna-go-home face)

When the new colleague of mine, the lovely Michelle constantly told me how cute and funny i was, i didn’t hesitate to tell her;

“Maybe i should just break your heart, when you least expect it.”

“But my heart is strong.” She told.

“Neh, you never know when i’m going break it,” and added, “it’s a secret.”

“Bring it on.” She challenged.

“I like fragile and vulnerable people like you.”

She then came and sat next to me, asking me about the project i was working on, and we came to a conversation where she asked about the previous staff who had left. While i was telling her about it, Nicholas who was going to the washroom, overheard it.

“Michelle, you want know what happened to the last 2 staffs that we had before?” Asked Nicholas.

“What?”

“They all went to sit beside Firdy and talked to him like you’re doing right now.”

How honest some friends could be. Couldn’t they lie, just a little?

I happened to be the man whose lives are both spontaneous and ridiculous, not that i like much of the word ridiculous, or spontaneous even, but the lives that i live in, are strange in the sense they don’t make more sense than what i believe it could have.

Sometimes, i would stay in my head and write another story of my life, or try to accurately define who i am, or what i do or have done, or could possibly do or could have possibly done, and merge all the lives that i have lived and could possibly have lived into one. And it usually becomes a story, more or less like this.

Breakfast with Emma.

“We like things we can’t have, don’t we?” I told Emma.

“I think so.”

“Sometimes, i think it’s what motivates us to live. Wanting things we couldn’t have. You know when we got everything that we wanted, we would not want to live this life anymore. We’d like to die. But when we don’t get things that we want, it gives us a purpose to live. Motivates us to live these strange lives we don’t understand much.”

“Hmm..”

And I continued, “That’s why i think, when we have everything, everything that we want and all the happiness we thought could have made us happier, we will start creating problems, and fight and blame a nice person for being so nice, we’d eventually hate being perfectly happy with an ideal person.”

Whatever i told Emma, didn’t manage to trick her into the bed. I guess that motivates me to live.