Repeat cycle, until i show signs of life

Everywhere; in a train, in a cab, — while walking –, in a bus, in a city full of — hehehe, i do not know how to complete this sentence, so i’m gonna write the first awkward word that comes to my mind instead, i hope — people, wandering and wondering about things, and i’m no different from them, often i wondered about getting killed. Trains colliding head-on, I die.

Angry man on a speeding bike, draws a gun, shoots me and the cab driver, I die.

Bus happily hits the concrete shoulder of a flyover, i try to save a girl that would later be my girlfriend, but before i could find any girl i like in the bus miserably, i die.

The stories that i often tell to my sorry self are the stories of where i die, before i know how everything ends.

Dying seems — perhaps, i miss home. In where i actually originated from.

***

A diary, of today’s, of the first person who spoke to me

Sara offered me a green plate with a slice of a birthday cake on it, “It’s clean,” she nervously asked, “Do you want this cake? It’s clean,” and repeatedly assured, “It’s clean.” I thanked her with a confident thank you and a smile and wasn’t really sure what kind of a wrong person i projected to her that she had to sound so nervous about a slice of cake.

How really kind people can be. To make an effort to offer a slice of a birthday cake even to a person she thought might decline.

“Happy birthday Robb,” was what seemed appropriate to say while eating the cake.

Later that evening,

Vernice was selecting the right bottle — the correct blue water drum to be replaced for the hot-cold water dispenser — and i quickly zipped my ugly self with a black sweater and did the manly job: replacing the water drums.

Nobody likes to see a fat kid lifting a water drum. So the black sweater had made the evening seem more appropriate.

I watched what i thought i really liked

And i liked it a lot.

Fresh, another Leo

I asked Fresh when her birthday was, thought of a perfect gift and later changed my mind — waiting for her birthday to arrive could be a boring experience since i already had the list. 4 movies for her to watch — i thought of getting her the DVDs.

• The Hours (2002)
• The Time Traveler’s Wife (2009)
• Revolutionary Road (2008)
• The Private Lives of Pippa Lee (2009)

Those are the movies i appreciate for what they are but don’t quite enjoy as much as my girlfriend, Anis does. Somehow, i could always relate Anis with Fresh: their interests and likings.

Veen Dee and her artwork

I thought thats a good start. To never be afraid to start drawing.

With Michelle, i’m always too honest and say things i wouldn’t say to others

She had good intention, though perhaps no experience with heating up pizzas with a microwave, she made it sound like it was really an easy job.

She had good intention and overly dried, hardened slices of pizza.

I don’t remember saying thank you, i may have said it but anyways, thank you, dear. Next time don’t be so overly confident with things you’re not so sure of.

On a second thought, i blame the microwave. Stupid microwave.

Shun Yau, who introduced me to simple programming

I’m no programmer but i enjoy dabbling in javascript, — as long as it’s easy to be done and exciting — and for every javascript, we all used jQuery as the framework. It came to a situation where i needed to make a slider work in reverse.

Move a slider from left to right and its value is from 0 to 100. Put the slider on the far left, and the value is 0. Move it to the far right, it’s 100.

I needed to reverse that. Visually, the only creative solution i could think of was using CSS3 transform for modern browsers and DXImageTransform.Microsoft.Matrix filter for stupid IE, but boy, that’s cheating.

I told Shun Yau about it and he said, “You actually can make a 100 become 0 and a 0 become 100, using a simple formula.”

“Really? How do i do that yeah?” i asked.

“You see, when you move a slider to far right, it’s value is now 100, right?”

“Uhuh,”

“You minus that with 100 and multiply by -1. You see 99 minus 100 is negative one and negative one times negative one is one.”

I worked out the math;

(X – 100) x -1 = the new reversed value

so, if X is 100;
(100 – 100) x -1 = 0 (the new value of X)

and if X is 0;
(0 – 100) x -1 = 100 (the new value of X)

Thanks to Shun Yau, the slider works in reverse now. Such magic and how i’m still fascinated by simple math.

***

Of course, every story of mine begins with me fantasizing to die. And if i die, i’d like to be cremated and my ashes buried without any headstone. I like a terrific quick death — by that, i mean fantastically tragic, most awesome — and a simple and quiet afterlife, not that i believe in any, just you know, if i die, i die, thats the end of it all.

But if i die too slow, and don’t get to die in the most awesome way of dying, i’d like to spend the last hours of my life with Anis, and alone with her.

Because dying with Anis on my side, means a lot to me. It could mean though i may have failed to learn the meaning of life, i may have failed to embrace the religion she always wished i would, i may have failed heaven and hell and everything in this life, but i will not fail her one thing. This particular failure, isn’t mine. If found, please return it to the nearest loser who may look like your current boyfriend, or an ex-boyfriend, assuming, you’re a girl stalking what i write before i die because you often wonder how low of an IQ does a stupid curly-haired boy have. It’s actually pretty low.

I will not fail to love her, until the last breath of my melodramatic life.

I will not fail to love what she loves, and if i don’t, it isn’t time for me to die yet. My life is a soap opera, best done theatrically. Best experienced without any logical and reasonable excuses other than what i feel, excessively.

And in my deathbed, i will find every strength to repair my dying soul and fix every injury and become her best friend.

And if she finds this funny and cheesy and ridiculous and unnecessary then it is what it is.

Funny things i write for tonight. I die, i die. I love, i love. What i like, i write. What i don’t, i wont. How stupid i can be sometimes. But i’m never clever to begin with.