Firdauz takes 5

Hai adik-adik. Nama saya adalah Cik Katak Scooter. Scoot-scoot!

Cik Katak Scooter dilahirkan daripada tanah liat merah jambu-u-u.

Walaupun Cik Katak Scooter berdada leper seperti lapangan terbang terminal tambang murah, hati Cik Katak Scooter suci dan murni. Sungguh suciiiii. Sungguh murni. Mmm…

asked Shun Yau, holding a milk carton that was 4 months older than its expiry date.

“I don’t know. Probably Michelle’s.”

Because you know, Michelle’s tummy is like what and when? Permanent obesity and was expired 10 years ago?

What? Sexy is your name?

Like Mizz Nina, orang gemuk sekarang semua mengaku seksi. Mengada.

“Lelaki sekarang ni,” kata perempuan-perempuan tersebut, “semuanya tak boleh diharap. Lembik macam popsicle.”

“Aah kan. Lembik, tapi sedap juga!” perempuan kedua ketawa kecil, mengekek. Entah apa yang kelakar sangat, hanya Tuhan Semenanjung yang tahu. Tuhan Borneo, kalau pengetahuan itu sampai kepadaNya, kemungkinan besar, pengetahuan itu akan diban dalam bahasa rakyat.

“Baiklah, sebelum kita mendengar lagu Korea tan tan tan shorry shorry..”

“Ah, Korea. Cair!” Balas perempuan ketiga.

“Yeah, poodle dengan kimchi memang sedap! Terbaik. Mari tangkap gambar ala-ala Korea.”

Klik. Gambar dipetik.

“Ouh, cantik la gambar ni! Lolli-lolli-lolli pop!” Entah apa yang direpekkannya, hanya Tuhan Semenanjung yang tahu.

“Ya Tuhan Semenanjung! Hebat dan gagahnya lengan kamu! Sudikah kamu menayangkannya sekali lagi? Cuma sekali! Sungguh… (tidak terkata)”

“Macam ini?”

“Oh Tuhan Semenanjung! Sungguh tidak terkata..”

(Mata besar berkaca-kaca)

Oh Tuhan Semenanjung. Aku sungguh, tidak boleh berkata apa-apa.

Kesukaran hidup yang telah menimpa En. Firdy Monkey, seekor monkey siam kacukan antarabangsa, telah menghilangkan kesan pepet (lucah murahan -50 markah) rasa hidup, jiwa seekor monkey.

Lalu, kesukaran hidup dari jiwa yang kosong itu, menimbulkan sebuah akal.

“Kalau aku seekor monkey hebat bergaya, dan jika kamu monkey-monkey yang hanya tahu membaca blog gila ini, wahai saudara saudari, pari-pari dan rama-rama ungul gemilang, akan datang pada kamu suatu hari, rahsia berpungung ramping dan bayaran ansuran.” Fikirnya, sendiri.

Lalu di tonggekan punggungnya, dijelirkan lidahnya penuh gaya, di pakaikan kaca mata renang kalis air — hebat bergaya seperti kura-kura dalam perahu, pura-pura kamu tidak tahu.

Dan katakan kepada kami, siapa monkey kamu. Tidakkah kamu sedar, monkey itu benar, celana dalam monkey itu juga benar, dan kami jadikan monkey-monkey itu berpasangan, supaya ada diantara perut kamu yang berlipat lemak tebal seperti Michelle, atau berbangsa kacukan Kadazan — tinggal di atas pohon seperti Karen.

Demi masa, sesungguhnya perempuan tua itu adalah monyet kesayangan.

Perempuan tua, comel kan?

(Perempuan Tua suka di panggil Tuan Puteri Dara Jelita Meow Meow. Tanda-tanda beliau sudah mahu menopause agak ketara. Makan mee pun tak habis, idiot.)

“I baru sedar i tua,” kata si girlpren.

“I dah sedar lama dah,” kata si boipren yang bongkak, tamak haloba, perut buncit, dan comel bagai anak harimau yang masih mensusu dari buah-buahan besar yang tidak memerlukan wonderbra — penjahatan bahasa.

“Bagus la baby. Baik you cari gf yg kaya raya dan muda,”

“Memang itu pun plan i. Stop reading my mind!”

“So when to do it?” asked a female friend.

“Well, when my girlfriend is not home, obviously. Tomorrow you free?”

“Tomorrow and Wednesday i’m not.”

“Thursday?”

“Yeah, i think Thursday can.”

“But the whole thing is going take about 1 hour plus to 2 hours.”

“So fast?” asked her.

“Not counting foreplay, of course.”

The telephone rang. I picked it up, i didn’t know why i did, but i did it perhaps because i didn’t know why.

“Hello, Syarikat Perkapalan Nasional.” I told, while lying to you about where i work.

“Hello, Syarikat Perkapalan Nasional eh? Perkapalan Nasional ni syarikat apa?”

“Syarikat gali minyak. Kami hanya mengali minyak gred lintah. Pekerja-pekerja kami di panggil orang minyak, boss-boss kami digelar lintah darat.” I’m not so sure if any of you would take it literally, but what i told to her, was more or less the nature of what our company did.

“Oh, macam mana saya nak jadi taukey minyak yeah?”

“Cik boleh contact nombor ini,” i browsed the phone book for a name, “nama dia Nicholas. Nombor dia zero one two, two zero three, fife (sic, being a Malay, it’s only natural to have a Malaysian accent) seven, zero three. And hello there Nicholas’s fans =)

“Dia ni Chinese ke? Dia kerja sebagai apa ye?”

“Sebagai Pegawai Penguat Kuasa. Kuasa-kuasa Melayu, semuanya di lemahkan. Suka tak?”

“I think better tell her,” told a friend, “to KISS.”

“What’s KISS yeah? Keep It Simple?”

“Keep It Simple Stupid,”

And the provisional morning coffee was bitter, nothing like my favourite UCC taste number one hundred fourteen.

See?

(But don’t tell anyone that i have no idea how i feel right now)

I need to kill a girl or many. Sharpen 300 riddles and stab them in the heart till they bleed poetry while i go to sleep happily, knowing that i may have won an easy fight.

Stupid girls. Stupid stupid stupid world.

Later that night, it became clear that it was all nonsense. Being a human being, does not mean i’m not a rabbit as well.

Ok, rabbit nak berak kejap. Haha! =P

if you believe me, and i think you should, is that i got eaten by a cat. No, the cat didn’t think i was too fat.

But you do, stupid humans.

Miiiaooooowww.

In a bar, while drinking beer and eating a pork burger, i had told,

“KY, Karen is pregnant,” and while sipping the free beer and pointing at the second girl, i had continued, “but Michele is just fat.”

I mean like, come on you drunk people. How many times do i have to tell this. Karen is pregnant, and Michelle is just fat.

Selasa, pagi yang luar biasa, mesej segera masuk, “http://gadiscomel.com, wowee”

Mesej segera di balas, “Alhamdullillah.”

KLue has linked him. Everyone on Twitter has retweeted him. Even Malaysia Kini has linked him. We only hope for the best. But if they send him to Kamunting for a very long vacation, — well, he probably will for uncovering evidence of online poll fraud, put up by the national religious body whose intention is very clear : “We insist on caning, your opinion does not matter. We have an algorithm for that. Every time someone says ‘no’ to canning, we double the number of ‘yes’. It’s autocratic, we mean automatic.”

Wowzer. Satu Malaysia! Semua boleh. Huhu =P

But anyways, in case they send him to Kamunting, or even me to Kamunting for everything that i am, i dedicate this video to him.

Huhu, don’t la go Kamunting ok? =P

Kata Si Perempuan.