Firdauz takes 5

Hari ini, Abang Misai akan memceritakan sebuah cerita dongeng. Dengar ya. Duduk lah rapat-rapat sikit dengan Abang Misai. Tapi, tak boleh raba tau!

Pada suatu hari yang asing, pada pagi sebelum tengah hari yang asing, Abang Misai telah menerima email yang berbunyi seakan-akan asing. Abang Misai tidak pasti lagi.

Benarkah email ini terlalu asing untuk diriku? Diam Abang Misai seorang diri memegang …

“Wait yeah, i read my email first.” Kata Abang Misai kepada rakan yang mahukan perhatian, dan membaca email tersebut,

Say hello to our new colleague…

Oh, jadi ada staff baru. Seronoknya! Terus, baca lagi email tersebut,

…likes reading, likes outdoor activities, hates Firdy (maybe), hates Michelle (i think so!), vegetarian, collects stamps, and used to be a flight attendant.

Oh, flight attendant. Seronoknya! Tengok gambar — hampir-hampir mengucap dan masuk ke syurga mungkin kalau mati — dan terus bertanya untuk sepenuh kepastian.

“She was a flight attendant? She was in cargo issit? DHL?”

Tiada jawapan. Melihat kepada gambar tersebut, saiznya mungkin,

“FedEx maybe?”

“Firdy, you’re so mean!” Kata feminists-feminists sepejabat.

Cerita ini dongeng semata-mata. Tiada kaitan dengan mana-mana feminist yang bersaiz obese yang bukan bernama Michelle, mahupun ketua feminist yang sangat garang yang bukan bernama Fresh.

Berdasarkan kenyataan diatas, lengkapkan slogan dan alamat anda dan hantar ke 1800-200-namasayarahsia dan menangi hadiah berupa lelaki gemuk yang sedang mencuri tulang dari membuat kerja yang sepatutnya — seperti, memendekkan sesuatu yang panjang.

“I’m so tall,” told Michelle while waiting for the lift.

By means of metabolism, or perhaps oxidation in thermodynamic sense, breaking down a gram of fat yields approximately 38.9 kilojoules of energy. That’s the same amount of solar radiation received by one square metre of the Earth in roughly a little more than half a minute.

C16H32O2 + 23O2 → 16CO2 + 16H2O2     ∆G°' = -9.3 kcal/g

By means of nuclear fission, or perhaps splitting atoms in nonsensical sense, if the total mass of a fissile element is equal to that of Michelle’s total body weight, you can a very happy nuclear explosive!

God help humanity! For Michelle is so fat i can’t but laugh like its a freaking marathon.

“I’m so tall,” told Michelle, looking at her heels, while waiting for the lift.

The elevator doors opened. 9 or 10 of us went in.

“Fresh, you know about evolution,” i came closer to her and whispered, “that we all came (evolved) from apes?”

“Yeah, i know.”

“I think Michelle right,” while pointing at her and she looked blank, “came (descended directly/mutated perhaps just a little bit) from dinosaurs.”

What a lovely friend i am! But Michelle sayang me, nonetheless. Kan kan?

*Pictures stolen and edited without permision from Amanda.

I’m a chai wallah. Tumsapenehe Jamal Slumdogehe coca-cola.

Acha betha. Computer ghee lock answer Jamal cucu mata, acha betha.

Acha betha. Peletum peletum nahe nahe supramaniam tarian naga. Ayoyo!

Nahe yoyo! Mumbai ka, makan petai ka tetek tada besar. Peletum?

Jamal, peletum nahe?

Tarian naga betha? Acha.

Whatever it is, chinese he, india he, malay he, one malaysia, hepi niuyar.

Kongsi kongsi.

Telah merasuk seorang lelaki separuh gemuk.

Dan lelaki itu menjadi gila.

Lala.

Life was, so much easier, and so much merrier before she came too close to my screen.

Life was — like any drama queen would tell — depressing and not worth living when she found out about it.

“Why are you…reading about painting nails one?” asked Fresh whose Chinese name literally meant fresh. Her face looked puzzled.

“Hahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahhaha..” I laughed, i just had to. I wanted to kill myself didn’t i? Ofttimes, i’m confused between being suicidal and highly amused. My life was — before she found it about it — cloaked in melodrama and insanity. My life is, after she found out about it, still pretty much melodramatic and insane. Look at the way i write. Look at yourself. The eyeballs that follow each line and the lips that whisper every word i write, amuses me. “I want to know how they did it! I painted my nail but why not even one ah. How, how.”

I had painted my fingernail purple. And like every effeminate man would tell, it’s pretty. Prettier than yours.

(and like a girl, you’ll be jealous of it)

(losers!)

(sissy!)

Remember when we were friends and you were stupid and i was obviously charming and gave you pink flowers and told you to return them back?

Those were the happiest days, weren’t they?

Now you went Japan and all around the world and got handsome boyfriend already very action ah. Message also dowan reply.

How you been, silly girl.

Sometimes, stupid friends of yours are less stupid than mine when mine constantly leave me to go to Klang to eat my favourite dish and then beyond extreme stupidity, i suspect, they laugh happily with white teeth and bunny teeth at least one of them at the matters because i don’t get to join them.

Stupid friends of mine. What did i do in my previous life to still have them as friends? Was i Adolf Hitler or am i the reincarnation of Britney Spears? Poor girl is still alive isn’t she. Too bad i don’t care.

And among the stupid friends of mine, i picked my favourite and text her a message. Her name could have been Vernice Mashi Moro if she were a fat Korean rabbit but then again, everything i write is just a crazy stream of insanity that sometimes, doesn’t really belong in a sentence.

I wrote, not to a fat Korean rabbit but close, i wrote, “you guys go BKT ah?”

“Yes, jam here.”

“Tapau for me can ah? One set can?”

Of course she said yes. After all, i’m the cleverest among them and i had decided after a big bowl of the very delicious Bak Kut Teh, that i don’t really mind if my friends are stupid.

After all, it’s too cliche to end a story with an after all.

(didn’t i tell you everything i write is just a stream of insanity)

“But,” i told to my pants, “i’ve worn you until you’re old and battered and you’re still so soft and comfy to walk with and to sit on and more than 7 years old, and i’m still nervous and shy — what do i wear with you today?”

I picked a pair of briefs, — the color of soil and clay — and put it down and i picked a pair of chequered boxers, and i, put it on.

I love you, with all my heart i do, but i’m scared, like a boy i am, i’m scared, of the frayed edges that tell me your age and you’ve never spoken a merry word to me.

We talked and we laughed together, though you’re always quiet i love you, with no less than an anxious heart, i do.

In the year when the silly Malaysians still had not tried to burn down churches for fun, I had learnt from a very prestigious school on how to hammer poetry onto a piece of metal.

It sings;

“Anis *** Bontot Gemuk.”

Oh, so poetic.

P/s : I couldn’t think of anything more poetic than that! At that moment, Anis Yulianna’s butt seemed like a delicious muse to me. At this moment, it still is. Nyum Nyum. Bontot gemuk. Mmmmmmmmm. =P

“I look very weird in this picture.” I told, “almost, not like myself. What’s wrong with my new camera?”

“Nothing,” told Michelle, “just that your camera can’t detect your dark skin and the dark background.”

I’ve trained a terrorist. Fat people are just mean.

You’re fat! And I don’t like you!

MomomoMOmomomMomomMomMomomomo…

and the fact that i was born in Texas, Mexico; or Kedah, Darul Takzim; — can’t really remember where –, but i was told by the elders in the kampung where i was born that being arrogant, marks the beginning of the scared journey to being a Toruk Makto.

It’s either that, or you losers don’t have Lumix LX3 like i do. Hah!

P/s: I’m just kidding a bit la. I actually lost my camera in Miri, Sarawak. So, after much thought, it was either buying a Canon S90 — which is a very good compact camera and a tad cheaper, or, the outdated Lumix LX3 and a tad pricier.

In the months where my days started with a cup of hot coffee and ended with a cold writing, — clumsy even –, i began to befriend a girl who liked Hello Kitty and disliked ice-blended drinks, and the hot weather. She had a secret boyfriend who everyone knew about, and a pink keyboard. She made me lose a bet once. With a group of similar friends, i put one ringgit betting that she had slept with her boyfriend. But when the time came for her to finally admit about the relationship, she just didn’t throw us a simple lie, she went overboard by claiming to have been holier than the mother of Jesus, the Virgin Mary. She told us a fairy tale; “When in bed, my boyfriend and me will just think of each other. Never had sex in my life.”

Funnily enough, there were people who bet on the fairy tale, and won my one ringgit. But they all would, i prayed, be sent to hell. Amen.

“Hey,” came Carol to my desk one evening, “look at the sky outside, did you bring your camera Firdy?”

“Yeah.”

“Can i borrow it?”

Sunset by Carol.

anak-anak raksasa makcik, perlukan makanan yang seimbang untuk membesar sebagai juara.

Makcik bukan apa. Makcik nak tengok anak-anak raksasa makcik — ikhlas ya ni makcik cakap — menjadi pandai, bijak, bersopan-santun, handsome, cantik, pendek kata, makcik tak suka tengok anak-anak raksasa makcik nanti jadi macam Karen dan Michelle. Gemuk sangat mereka tu!

Makcik ke pekan pagi tadi. Jadi membelilah makcik segala yang perlu.

Ada sayur, daging, tomato, ayam, arak, semuanya maksik beli ikhlas untuk anak-anak makcik.

Untuk kami, anak beranak raksasa, Makcik suka masak yang ala kadar sahaja.

Macam guacamole dan salsa tomato. Simple-simple stuff.