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Oh la

12 Mar

KLue has linked him. Everyone on Twitter has retweeted him. Even Malaysia Kini has linked him. We only hope for the best. But if they send him to Kamunting for a very long vacation, — well, he probably will for uncovering evidence of online poll fraud, put up by the national religious body whose intention is very clear : “We insist on caning, your opinion does not matter. We have an algorithm for that. Every time someone says ‘no’ to canning, we double the number of ‘yes’. It’s autocratic, we mean automatic.”

Wowzer. Satu Malaysia! Semua boleh. Huhu =P

But anyways, in case they send him to Kamunting, or even me to Kamunting for everything that i am, i dedicate this video to him.

Huhu, don’t la go Kamunting ok? =P

“Oh, I dah masturbate pagi tadi guna bantal you”

10 Mar

Kata Si Perempuan.

Adik adik,

9 Mar

Hari ini, Abang Misai akan memceritakan sebuah cerita dongeng. Dengar ya. Duduk lah rapat-rapat sikit dengan Abang Misai. Tapi, tak boleh raba tau!

Pada suatu hari yang asing, pada pagi sebelum tengah hari yang asing, Abang Misai telah menerima email yang berbunyi seakan-akan asing. Abang Misai tidak pasti lagi.

Benarkah email ini terlalu asing untuk diriku? Diam Abang Misai seorang diri memegang …

“Wait yeah, i read my email first.” Kata Abang Misai kepada rakan yang mahukan perhatian, dan membaca email tersebut,

Say hello to our new colleague…

Oh, jadi ada staff baru. Seronoknya! Terus, baca lagi email tersebut,

…likes reading, likes outdoor activities, hates Firdy (maybe), hates Michelle (i think so!), vegetarian, collects stamps, and used to be a flight attendant.

Oh, flight attendant. Seronoknya! Tengok gambar — hampir-hampir mengucap dan masuk ke syurga mungkin kalau mati — dan terus bertanya untuk sepenuh kepastian.

“She was a flight attendant? She was in cargo issit? DHL?”

Tiada jawapan. Melihat kepada gambar tersebut, saiznya mungkin,

“FedEx maybe?”

“Firdy, you’re so mean!” Kata feminists-feminists sepejabat.

Cerita ini dongeng semata-mata. Tiada kaitan dengan mana-mana feminist yang bersaiz obese yang bukan bernama Michelle, mahupun ketua feminist yang sangat garang yang bukan bernama Fresh.

Ahahaha, Firdy damn kepoh one!

5 Mar

For Carol and Tim, with love.

“Eh bro, when’s your anniversary yeah? It’s nearing — sometime this month right? Or is it past already ah?”

“Eh! Why you damn kepoh one ah?!”

Tim never liked my question. I could understand that. Not everyone is comfortable sharing their private lives with people like me.

Yeah, people like me. The kepoh baluchi type. I made up that word, kepoh baluchi.

Well, to be honest, i only kepoh and poke fun only at the people i care. It’s who i am. I believe that little hurts and little annoyance give people the chance to explore and express their raw feelings — it’s kind of lonely being clinically insane so i guess, i like my friends and the people i care to feel what i feel most of the time.

It’s kind of retarded to write such sentence, ain’t it?

But anyways, happy anniversary in advance to Tim and Carol whom i caught were holding hands in a car park late one night when they were still falling for each other, i think.

It’s what we live for, ain’t it?

To tell a guy to kiss a girl, to tell a girl to another girl for a twist. And to celebrate those who make this world, a better place by — i don’t want to say the world. You’ll figure it out.

Aha!

Thermodynamics, Evolution and Michelle.

24 Feb

“I’m so tall,” told Michelle while waiting for the lift.

By means of metabolism, or perhaps oxidation in thermodynamic sense, breaking down a gram of fat yields approximately 38.9 kilojoules of energy. That’s the same amount of solar radiation received by one square metre of the Earth in roughly a little more than half a minute.

C16H32O2 + 23O2 → 16CO2 + 16H2O2     ∆G°' = -9.3 kcal/g

(Illustrated by palmitic acid, a common saturated fatty acid in Michelle’s arms and thighs)

By means of nuclear fission, or perhaps splitting atoms in nonsensical sense, if the total mass of a fissile element is equal to that of Michelle’s total body weight, you can a very happy nuclear explosive!

God help humanity! For Michelle is so fat i can’t but laugh like its a freaking marathon.

“I’m so tall,” told Michelle, looking at her heels, while waiting for the lift.

The elevator doors opened. 9 or 10 of us went in.

“Fresh, you know about evolution,” i came closer to her and whispered, “that we all came (evolved) from apes?”

“Yeah, i know.”

“I think Michelle right,” while pointing at her and she looked blank, “came (descended directly/mutated perhaps just a little bit) from dinosaurs.”

What a lovely friend i am! But Michelle sayang me, nonetheless. Kan kan?

*Pictures stolen and edited without permision from Amanda.

Soap

23 Feb

“Baby, i rasa kan,” while flipping through a Biochemistry text book (true geeks read textbooks for fun!) looking for ways to hydrolyze triacylglycerols with alkali, in other words — learning how to turn fat people into soaps, i had told, “our paths pernah crossed before. Betul Baby, i rasa.”

“Iya? Kat mana Baby?”

“Kat sini,” i held a deep breath to make my chest appear broader and bigger and tougher and with a finger, i crossed my heart and almost turned the moment into a soap opera. But of course, all i got afterwards, was incredible sex.

Kongsi gelap

17 Feb

I’m a chai wallah. Tumsapenehe Jamal Slumdogehe coca-cola.

Acha betha. Computer ghee lock answer Jamal cucu mata, acha betha.

Acha betha. Peletum peletum nahe nahe supramaniam tarian naga. Ayoyo!

Nahe yoyo! Mumbai ka, makan petai ka tetek tada besar. Peletum?

Jamal, peletum nahe?

Tarian naga betha? Acha.

Whatever it is, chinese he, india he, malay he, one malaysia, hepi niuyar.

Kongsi kongsi.

Paradise (II)

12 Feb

“Is it time to wake up?”

There was no answer.

“Is it time to wake up?!”

There, was still no answer, but music, sandwiches and teas.

Paradise

10 Feb

Mr.Malayaya.

I.

Mr. Malayayaya died — without thinking too much — he died on the first thought. He had never died before, and he wasn’t quite sure yet whether he had liked it. Most people when they died, they took some time to get used to death. Some of them didn’t take enough time and hated death too soon. Some of them did, and they waited until the ends of their funerals, — just to be safe –, before they could gather enough confidence to take a peep at the new world, after life.

The world after life, it had been rumoured by the living, had the answers to what life is. It had grapes and strawberries and high flames for those who rejected the gardens of grapes and strawberries. But Mr. Malayayaya wasn’t interested in all those nor was he interested in finding the answers to what life is. Mr. Malayayaya died for a special reason : he died on the first thought — not on the second after — because he stole a heart the colour of hope, and he was the only one who had ever seen the colour of hope, and he liked to keep it that way.

His friend, Ms. Jaguya, had heard the sound of hope and recorded it on a reel-to-reel tape deck, well accidently.

Ms. Jaguya died of an auto accident. A common death for a Nabiskan. But it was an unusual death for Mr. Malayayaya. He died without thinking too much.

“Is it time to wake up?”

Islam dan Teori Evolusi.

6 Feb

Ironinya, saya bukan seorang muslim atau seorang yang beragama untuk menulis topik ini. Tetapi saya terpanggil untuk menjawab, dan mungkin agak sedikit terlambat.

Saya ditanya (didalam blog milik seorang gadis Malaysia yang belajar di luar negara) oleh rakannya;

“So by not believing in existence of God(Allah the Almighty), how did u explain the creation of the world rite now..Or may be u have the same idea with Charles Darwin..the theory of evolution.. Trust me the theory doesnt make sense..the idea about how human evolved from ape is unrealistic.. coz nowadays ape is still ape..y dont they evolve..even Darwin cant answer for sure.. that is y Theory of creation made more sense..and the creator, Allah the Almighty..:) Renung2 kn lah.. ”

Niat beliau, mungkin untuk menyedarkan saya (yang mungkin pada pandangan beliau, sudah jauh terpesong). Dan jika benar itu niat beliau, saya rasa, ia satu niat yang baik.

Mungkin beliau berniat baik, tapi persoalannya, apa yang perlu disedarkan? Bahawa teori evolusi itu bercanggah dengan agama Islam? Bahawa teori evolusi tidak realistik?

Sejak bila pula Islam yang dibawa Muhammad menyentuh teori evolusi dan sekaligus menyangkalnya? Dan sejak bila pula teori evolusi itu salah? Mutasi genetik tidak berlaku? DNA tidak wujud? RNA cuma bayangan saintis? Virus H1N1 hari ini sama sahaja genetiknya dengan virus influenza 400 ribu tahun dahulu? Tunggu, virus H1N1 tidak wujud?

Manusia bebas dari kecacatan dan mutasi genetik kerana kita dalahirkan di syurga dan bebas dari berevolusi?

Mari ke syurga dengan menolak sains biologi?

Islam yang dibawa Muhammad, cuma menyebut penciptaan manusia dari tanah liat. Tidak diceritakan dengan terperinci bagaimana prosesnya dari tanah itu jika ada di ambil atom karbonnya, dan dibentuk kompaun organik dari atom karbon tersebut bersama atom hidrogen dan atom hidrogen dari tanah. Tidak dicerita terperinci pemprosesan penciptaan manusia.

Tidak dicerita, tidak bermaksud Islam itu bertentangan dengan sains.

Tidak percaya tuhan, tidak bermaksud sewenang-wenangnya memilih sains.

Sains bukan pilihan kedua sesudah agama. Sains atau Agama? Agama atau Sains? Pilih satu sahaja! Agama dan sains, boleh diseiringkan, tidak perlu dipilih salah satu. Boleh beragama, boleh menjadi saintis. Boleh tidak beragama, dan tidak menjadi saintis.

Boleh tidak beragama atau beragama, dan mendalami ilmu agama, dan mendalami ilmu sains.

Sains itu penemuan ilmu. Agama itu bimbingan rohani, untuk mereka yang menerimanya. Kalau ada dalam Al-Quran diceritakan kejadian manusia, disini salah satu ayatnya;

Dan di antara tanda-tanda yang membuktikan kekuasaanNya (menghidupkan kamu semula), bahawa Ia menciptakan kamu dari tanah; setelah sempurna sahaja peringkat-peringkat kejadian kamu, kamu menjadi manusia yang hidup bertebaran di muka bumi.

- Ar-Ruum 30:20 (juga diceritakan dalam surah Al-Hajj 22:5, Al-Mu’minuun 23:12, As-Sajdah 32:7, Al-Rahmaan 55:14)

Semua ayat diatas mengatakan manusia (lembaga adam) dijadikan dari tanah liat. Jika saya jadikan topik ini untuk membincangkan kenapa tiada dokongan sains dalam penciptaan manusia dari tanah liat, secara jujurnya, sudah lama saya katakan secara saintifiknya, manusia datangnya bukan dari tanah liat. Secara saintifiknya, manusia datangnya dari proses evolusi sel tunggal ke sel pelbagai. Yang ini ada sokongan sainsnya. Bukan sedikit sokongannya, dari penemuan fosil ke penemuan penempatan, tulisan, penggunaan dan alatan, tamadun dan bahasa, dan segala yang dari yang purba ke yang moden, mendokong sains dan pensejarahan manusia.

Dokongan sains, adalah fakta yang boleh di uji dan diramal keputusannya. Boleh di ambil tulang ikan atau dinosaur atau primat di musium atau di dalam almari — jika ada –, dan diperiksa tarikh karbonnya dan di ulang prosesnya. Terus dan terang. Dokongan mereka yang beragama Islam, adalah iman. Duduknya di dalam rohani, amalannya, masih terus dan terang. Keputusannya, sukar diramal. Mungkin terus masuk ke syurga, mungkin disiksa dahulu di neraka.

Secara jujurnya, berterus terang saya katakan saya tidak beriman. Saya menolak kejadian manusia dari tanah liat. Saya menolak ajaran Islam yang dibawa Muhammad. Dalam Islam, setalah saya mati, saya terus ke neraka. Terus dan terang. Senang diramal. Dan disini bezanya;

Mereka yang beriman, percaya tanpa ada ragu sedikit pun, bahawa Allah itu maha pencipta dan maha mengetahui. Ia tahu apa yang tidak diketahui. Ia tahu bagimana untuk menjadikan manusia dari tanah liat, tanpa perlunya dokongan sains, ia mencipta tanpa perlu mengikut hukum fizik atau biologi atau kimia.

Allah tahu — apa yang Firdauz tidak tahu. Allah tahu, matinya saya nanti, di letak dimana. Letak dalam almari — jika ada –, bakar sampai berapi-api dalam neraka, letak dalam musium depan syurga, Allah tahu, menurut Islam, apa yang saya tidak tahu.

Tidak salah untuk beriman dan menerima sains biologi, evolusi terutamanya. Untuk mereka yang benar-benar beriman, tahu bahawa Islam tidak bercanggah dengan sains mahupun evolusi kerana Allah itu maha mengetahui. Di sini peluang untuk belajar sains tanpa perlu menolak Islam.

Jadi teorinya — setelah panjang bercerita — manusia datangnya dari beruk besar yang jalannya bongkok? Bukan dari tanah liat?

Mencabar, memang benar mencabar iman, bukan? Menolak sains biologi lebih mudah, bukan?

Believe what you want. But if you’re a true muslim, so what if you don’t have any scientific evidence to support the Quranic claims? To please an agnostic and a cynic like me? Don’t.

Nails

2 Feb

Life was, so much easier, and so much merrier before she came too close to my screen.

Life was — like any drama queen would tell — depressing and not worth living when she found out about it.

“Why are you…reading about painting nails one?” asked Fresh whose Chinese name literally meant fresh. Her face looked puzzled.

“Hahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahhaha..” I laughed, i just had to. I wanted to kill myself didn’t i? Ofttimes, i’m confused between being suicidal and highly amused. My life was — before she found it about it — cloaked in melodrama and insanity. My life is, after she found out about it, still pretty much melodramatic and insane. Look at the way i write. Look at yourself. The eyeballs that follow each line and the lips that whisper every word i write, amuses me. “I want to know how they did it! I painted my nail but why not even one ah. How, how.”

I had painted my fingernail purple. And like every effeminate man would tell, it’s pretty. Prettier than yours.

(and like a girl, you’ll be jealous of it)

(losers!)

(sissy!)

Dear Carol,

30 Jan

Remember when we were friends and you were stupid and i was obviously charming and gave you pink flowers and told you to return them back?

Those were the happiest days, weren’t they?

Now you went Japan and all around the world and got handsome boyfriend already very action ah. Message also dowan reply.

How you been, silly girl.

Meat bone tea

29 Jan

Sometimes, stupid friends of yours are less stupid than mine when mine constantly leave me to go to Klang to eat my favourite dish and then beyond extreme stupidity, i suspect, they laugh happily with white teeth and bunny teeth at least one of them at the matters because i don’t get to join them.

Stupid friends of mine. What did i do in my previous life to still have them as friends? Was i Adolf Hitler or am i the reincarnation of Britney Spears? Poor girl is still alive isn’t she. Too bad i don’t care.

And among the stupid friends of mine, i picked my favourite and text her a message. Her name could have been Vernice Mashi Moro if she were a fat Korean rabbit but then again, everything i write is just a crazy stream of insanity that sometimes, doesn’t really belong in a sentence.

I wrote, not to a fat Korean rabbit but close, i wrote, “you guys go BKT ah?”

“Yes, jam here.”

“Tapau for me can ah? One set can?”

Of course she said yes. After all, i’m the cleverest among them and i had decided after a big bowl of the very delicious Bak Kut Teh, that i don’t really mind if my friends are stupid.

After all, it’s too cliche to end a story with an after all.

(didn’t i tell you everything i write is just a stream of insanity)

Okay,

28 Jan

you may stop praying now. Yes, i’ve found god (or a shawl to wear as headscarf)

An old joke i used to tell :

“Dulu, memang dia tu pondan. Tapi sekarang dah insaf. Dah tak nak jadi pondan lagi, dah pakai tudung, tutup aurat. Alhamdulillah.”

(It’s a joke about a transwoman who had finally become a good muslim and decided to wear something he shouldn’t be wearing at all, a hijab)

*picture stolen from tim’s tweet

Overweight, and friendly female whale

22 Jan

A huge girl, — a really huge girl –, whose name could have been Michelle, or Mishuyumi, or quite possibly could have been Toro-Toro Gonoki-Gonoki Michelle, came from behind and rocked my chair with — quite possibly — her giant hands.

“What’s wrong with you?” i asked.

“Nothing, just .. headache.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Sure? Nothing else? Obesity… maybe?”

But people, even giant people, they love me for who i am.

(and i don’t mind loving them back for who they are. sumo wrestlers or whoever.)