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Adik adik,

9 Mar

Hari ini, Abang Misai akan memceritakan sebuah cerita dongeng. Dengar ya. Duduk lah rapat-rapat sikit dengan Abang Misai. Tapi, tak boleh raba tau!

Pada suatu hari yang asing, pada pagi sebelum tengah hari yang asing, Abang Misai telah menerima email yang berbunyi seakan-akan asing. Abang Misai tidak pasti lagi.

Benarkah email ini terlalu asing untuk diriku? Diam Abang Misai seorang diri memegang …

“Wait yeah, i read my email first.” Kata Abang Misai kepada rakan yang mahukan perhatian, dan membaca email tersebut,

Say hello to our new colleague…

Oh, jadi ada staff baru. Seronoknya! Terus, baca lagi email tersebut,

…likes reading, likes outdoor activities, hates Firdy (maybe), hates Michelle (i think so!), vegetarian, collects stamps, and used to be a flight attendant.

Oh, flight attendant. Seronoknya! Tengok gambar — hampir-hampir mengucap dan masuk ke syurga mungkin kalau mati — dan terus bertanya untuk sepenuh kepastian.

“She was a flight attendant? She was in cargo issit? DHL?”

Tiada jawapan. Melihat kepada gambar tersebut, saiznya mungkin,

“FedEx maybe?”

“Firdy, you’re so mean!” Kata feminists-feminists sepejabat.

Cerita ini dongeng semata-mata. Tiada kaitan dengan mana-mana feminist yang bersaiz obese yang bukan bernama Michelle, mahupun ketua feminist yang sangat garang yang bukan bernama Fresh.

Nama saya, Rahsia.

1 Mar

Berdasarkan kenyataan diatas, lengkapkan slogan dan alamat anda dan hantar ke 1800-200-namasayarahsia dan menangi hadiah berupa lelaki gemuk yang sedang mencuri tulang dari membuat kerja yang sepatutnya — seperti, memendekkan sesuatu yang panjang.

Paradise (II)

12 Feb

“Is it time to wake up?”

There was no answer.

“Is it time to wake up?!”

There, was still no answer, but music, sandwiches and teas.

Paradise

10 Feb

Mr.Malayaya.

I.

Mr. Malayayaya died — without thinking too much — he died on the first thought. He had never died before, and he wasn’t quite sure yet whether he had liked it. Most people when they died, they took some time to get used to death. Some of them didn’t take enough time and hated death too soon. Some of them did, and they waited until the ends of their funerals, — just to be safe –, before they could gather enough confidence to take a peep at the new world, after life.

The world after life, it had been rumoured by the living, had the answers to what life is. It had grapes and strawberries and high flames for those who rejected the gardens of grapes and strawberries. But Mr. Malayayaya wasn’t interested in all those nor was he interested in finding the answers to what life is. Mr. Malayayaya died for a special reason : he died on the first thought — not on the second after — because he stole a heart the colour of hope, and he was the only one who had ever seen the colour of hope, and he liked to keep it that way.

His friend, Ms. Jaguya, had heard the sound of hope and recorded it on a reel-to-reel tape deck, well accidently.

Ms. Jaguya died of an auto accident. A common death for a Nabiskan. But it was an unusual death for Mr. Malayayaya. He died without thinking too much.

“Is it time to wake up?”

Islam dan Teori Evolusi.

6 Feb

Ironinya, saya bukan seorang muslim atau seorang yang beragama untuk menulis topik ini. Tetapi saya terpanggil untuk menjawab, dan mungkin agak sedikit terlambat.

Saya ditanya (didalam blog milik seorang gadis Malaysia yang belajar di luar negara) oleh rakannya;

“So by not believing in existence of God(Allah the Almighty), how did u explain the creation of the world rite now..Or may be u have the same idea with Charles Darwin..the theory of evolution.. Trust me the theory doesnt make sense..the idea about how human evolved from ape is unrealistic.. coz nowadays ape is still ape..y dont they evolve..even Darwin cant answer for sure.. that is y Theory of creation made more sense..and the creator, Allah the Almighty..:) Renung2 kn lah.. ”

Niat beliau, mungkin untuk menyedarkan saya (yang mungkin pada pandangan beliau, sudah jauh terpesong). Dan jika benar itu niat beliau, saya rasa, ia satu niat yang baik.

Mungkin beliau berniat baik, tapi persoalannya, apa yang perlu disedarkan? Bahawa teori evolusi itu bercanggah dengan agama Islam? Bahawa teori evolusi tidak realistik?

Sejak bila pula Islam yang dibawa Muhammad menyentuh teori evolusi dan sekaligus menyangkalnya? Dan sejak bila pula teori evolusi itu salah? Mutasi genetik tidak berlaku? DNA tidak wujud? RNA cuma bayangan saintis? Virus H1N1 hari ini sama sahaja genetiknya dengan virus influenza 400 ribu tahun dahulu? Tunggu, virus H1N1 tidak wujud?

Manusia bebas dari kecacatan dan mutasi genetik kerana kita dalahirkan di syurga dan bebas dari berevolusi?

Mari ke syurga dengan menolak sains biologi?

Islam yang dibawa Muhammad, cuma menyebut penciptaan manusia dari tanah liat. Tidak diceritakan dengan terperinci bagaimana prosesnya dari tanah itu jika ada di ambil atom karbonnya, dan dibentuk kompaun organik dari atom karbon tersebut bersama atom hidrogen dan atom hidrogen dari tanah. Tidak dicerita terperinci pemprosesan penciptaan manusia.

Tidak dicerita, tidak bermaksud Islam itu bertentangan dengan sains.

Tidak percaya tuhan, tidak bermaksud sewenang-wenangnya memilih sains.

Sains bukan pilihan kedua sesudah agama. Sains atau Agama? Agama atau Sains? Pilih satu sahaja! Agama dan sains, boleh diseiringkan, tidak perlu dipilih salah satu. Boleh beragama, boleh menjadi saintis. Boleh tidak beragama, dan tidak menjadi saintis.

Boleh tidak beragama atau beragama, dan mendalami ilmu agama, dan mendalami ilmu sains.

Sains itu penemuan ilmu. Agama itu bimbingan rohani, untuk mereka yang menerimanya. Kalau ada dalam Al-Quran diceritakan kejadian manusia, disini salah satu ayatnya;

Dan di antara tanda-tanda yang membuktikan kekuasaanNya (menghidupkan kamu semula), bahawa Ia menciptakan kamu dari tanah; setelah sempurna sahaja peringkat-peringkat kejadian kamu, kamu menjadi manusia yang hidup bertebaran di muka bumi.

- Ar-Ruum 30:20 (juga diceritakan dalam surah Al-Hajj 22:5, Al-Mu’minuun 23:12, As-Sajdah 32:7, Al-Rahmaan 55:14)

Semua ayat diatas mengatakan manusia (lembaga adam) dijadikan dari tanah liat. Jika saya jadikan topik ini untuk membincangkan kenapa tiada dokongan sains dalam penciptaan manusia dari tanah liat, secara jujurnya, sudah lama saya katakan secara saintifiknya, manusia datangnya bukan dari tanah liat. Secara saintifiknya, manusia datangnya dari proses evolusi sel tunggal ke sel pelbagai. Yang ini ada sokongan sainsnya. Bukan sedikit sokongannya, dari penemuan fosil ke penemuan penempatan, tulisan, penggunaan dan alatan, tamadun dan bahasa, dan segala yang dari yang purba ke yang moden, mendokong sains dan pensejarahan manusia.

Dokongan sains, adalah fakta yang boleh di uji dan diramal keputusannya. Boleh di ambil tulang ikan atau dinosaur atau primat di musium atau di dalam almari — jika ada –, dan diperiksa tarikh karbonnya dan di ulang prosesnya. Terus dan terang. Dokongan mereka yang beragama Islam, adalah iman. Duduknya di dalam rohani, amalannya, masih terus dan terang. Keputusannya, sukar diramal. Mungkin terus masuk ke syurga, mungkin disiksa dahulu di neraka.

Secara jujurnya, berterus terang saya katakan saya tidak beriman. Saya menolak kejadian manusia dari tanah liat. Saya menolak ajaran Islam yang dibawa Muhammad. Dalam Islam, setalah saya mati, saya terus ke neraka. Terus dan terang. Senang diramal. Dan disini bezanya;

Mereka yang beriman, percaya tanpa ada ragu sedikit pun, bahawa Allah itu maha pencipta dan maha mengetahui. Ia tahu apa yang tidak diketahui. Ia tahu bagimana untuk menjadikan manusia dari tanah liat, tanpa perlunya dokongan sains, ia mencipta tanpa perlu mengikut hukum fizik atau biologi atau kimia.

Allah tahu — apa yang Firdauz tidak tahu. Allah tahu, matinya saya nanti, di letak dimana. Letak dalam almari — jika ada –, bakar sampai berapi-api dalam neraka, letak dalam musium depan syurga, Allah tahu, menurut Islam, apa yang saya tidak tahu.

Tidak salah untuk beriman dan menerima sains biologi, evolusi terutamanya. Untuk mereka yang benar-benar beriman, tahu bahawa Islam tidak bercanggah dengan sains mahupun evolusi kerana Allah itu maha mengetahui. Di sini peluang untuk belajar sains tanpa perlu menolak Islam.

Jadi teorinya — setelah panjang bercerita — manusia datangnya dari beruk besar yang jalannya bongkok? Bukan dari tanah liat?

Mencabar, memang benar mencabar iman, bukan? Menolak sains biologi lebih mudah, bukan?

Believe what you want. But if you’re a true muslim, so what if you don’t have any scientific evidence to support the Quranic claims? To please an agnostic and a cynic like me? Don’t.

Old pants

21 Jan

“But,” i told to my pants, “i’ve worn you until you’re old and battered and you’re still so soft and comfy to walk with and to sit on and more than 7 years old, and i’m still nervous and shy — what do i wear with you today?”

I picked a pair of briefs, — the color of soil and clay — and put it down and i picked a pair of chequered boxers, and i, put it on.

I love you, with all my heart i do, but i’m scared, like a boy i am, i’m scared, of the frayed edges that tell me your age and you’ve never spoken a merry word to me.

We talked and we laughed together, though you’re always quiet i love you, with no less than an anxious heart, i do.

Nearly forgotten

21 Jan

“So,” i told myself, “when are you going to quit your job and open up a restaurant, and write a song and a book and dance, dance, dance?”

I’ll be 30 and forever this year. I haven’t lived up to my dreams yet. I haven’t found the answer to what i am and what they all are. I haven’t written a letter to the government — tell them jokes so they can laugh loud and happily, like how i laugh very loud and happily at them, almost daily. I haven’t been to jail, or been locked up fighting for something that belongs only to me.

Personal liberty. Have i fought for you my dear?

Have i really fought for you, my dear?

Ahhh… just one of these days, i’d like to become who i really am.

Then i’ll write a song, and i’ll dance like how i had when i was a lot younger.

***

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(I composed this piece of instrumental 6 years ago, when i was 24. I have sworn to never write anything as sad and as gloomy as this, and i didn’t. )

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(About less than a year later, i recomposed the song — took out the elements of sadness and it had become a psychedelic experience, not that i wanted it to, but things came and arranged themselves the way i usually wouldn’t.)

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(This one, is actually one of my favourites. I composed this in the year when i was still able to dream, and courageously, i would eventually fight for everything i believed in. And then, i sold this instrumental to a local independent artist)

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(This is how it sounds with the vocals after i sold the 3rd track to a local independent artist. His name is Emcee David. The title of this song is Home)

***

Perhaps today or tomorrow, or the day after that, i’ll remember again how it’s like, to write, to dance, to write and to dance.

Spicy Fish

12 Jan

“Choose 3 flavours,” told a friend.

“Errmmm… this one beef pepperoni. Looks tasty. Errmmm.. another one yeah, ermm.. Aloha Chicken looks not bad.”

“Can choose 3, choose another one la,” he told.

“I don’t want Flaming Tuna, too spicy. But i don’t mind Tuna Temptation though. Do you eat tuna?”

“No, i don’t eat tuna.”

“Why, are you trying to save the dolphins?”

“Nah, i just don’t like tuna.”

I like dolphins, if it is not too spicy.

of something i need to say, just a quick one.

9 Jan

over what happened in Malaysia recently.

(and i’m still not that well. but my fever is on and off. and right now it is off. so i better say this one quick before my fever comes back again).

You guys know about the recent issue about using the word ‘Allah’ and burning the churches? You know what i told to my girlfriend. (my girlfriend was furious about it, but i was, a bit cynical).

I told her, “Well, what do you expect? We’re from the third world. We act like people from the third world.”

Of course she did not fully agree with me but that’s not a problem because my point is, don’t you guys agree the people in Malaysia, doesn’t matter from which ethic background, need some education in humanity at least?

And further, Malaysians need to be thought to understand the differences of beliefs, and the importance to respect each one, and if i have a kid, i’ll challenge his mind and make him think and question everything including my lack of belief in any religion. I want my kid to be able to think critically.

You see, I always criticize religions and God, and always, openly. And if i’m honest enough, then i must admit that i’ve poked fun at religions and God/Gods more than 300 times in my whole life. That much.

But, have i ever sent any message of hate?

Have i told anyone to hate a certain someone?

Have i told you to hate a certain religion?

I poked fun. Yes, but that’s that.

The fact is, my whole family are muslims and my girlfriend too. They will never turn into an agnostic like i am and i’ll never turn into a muslim like they are. We understand that. We respect everybody’s choices. And it works.

And it’s not easy for it to work. What i committed, in Islam, is called Kufur. It’s the biggest sin, and the most offensive, it’s punishable by death, according to some Islamic law based on the Sunnah (sayings and doings of Muhammad’s).

But in the end, it all comes back to live this life as a human being. Our beliefs might conflict, but i want to see my mother go to Mecca again. She believes in Allah, i don’t, so what? My girlfriend believes in Allah, i want to see her to perform hajj in Mecca too, i do not wish to be a muslim, i rejected Muhammad and Allah. So what?

So what if i don’t believe in what you do, we can’t love each other? Ridiculous!

And if you’re wondering, the word Allah existed long before Islam arrived in Mecca. Allah means god in Arabic.

In the years before Islam, Allah has been referred to as one of the many deities in pagan gods.

The very evidence?

Muhammad bin Abdullah. The Islamic prophet, Muhammad’s father was named Abdullah, a name constructed by two words, Abdul and Allah. If translated into English, Abdullah means, “The Servant of God.”

So yeah. The word Allah existed long before Muhammad was born. And Allah was once, a pagan god in Mecca.

Muhammad bin Abdul Allah. It’s funny to know that some Muslims never noticed that and claimed its exclusivity.

Kiss and run, kiss and run.

29 Dec

I gave Karen a drunk kiss on her cheek, on the night where i danced clumsily with glasses of spirits, coke and free beer. Funny lights the color of disco, and music the sound of reckless tempo, continued to play-and-pause, constantly played-and-paused like a ghostly dream sandwiched between another ghostly dreams. It didn’t stop to scare me even when I was already in someone else’s car. There were 4 of us. For what seemed a mortifying moment, i rested my heavy head, quietly on Karen’s lap.

For what seemed a mortifying moment, this was a kamikaze.

For what seemed a mortifying moment, isn’t it dangerous to write like this?

But i, live a spontaneous life. I stumbled upon it. I was of course, — before life –, just a motile sperm — happy maybe — with a limited life span, supposed to have died within hours. But what did i do?

I just had to swim and flirt with an odd-female-looking egg, — and love at the first sight they say –, she and i became Firdauz, just seconds after.

Love at the first experience, i say, i have a lifetime’s mission.

Thousands of you panic-looking girls, my mission is to kiss and run.

For life, tastes so much better when i do the wrong things.

For life, tastes so much sweeter.

Just kidding

28 Dec

“Have you been to Jarrod & Rawlins?” asked a friend.

“Jarrod what?”

“Jarrod & Rawlins.”

“Who is he?”

“It’s a dining place.”

“Oh yeah, i have. CapSquare there right?”

“Yeah, the sausage is so nice right.”

“Yeah, because it’s not halal.” I told.

He looked around, “Oh, luckily Raff is not here. Else, it would have been offensive to him. Nothing halal is nice la.”

“That’s not offensive at all.” Told another friend. “Well, at least to me it’s not. Nothing halal is ever good.”

Well, polygamy is halal. And stoning your wives to death too. And maybe, it’s even fun.

Just kidding.

Tonight,

20 Dec

even before i was drunk, i told a dear friend, “Your blog is the most boring blog, there isn’t honesty at all. You only write what is safe for others to read”.

Her face instantly became the universal language of hostility — she wanted to kill me, perhaps so badly –, and yet, she fixed her eyes on the smoky floor, and moved them up, slowly and quietly, for what seemed a moment of displeasure or worse and longer, it became very clear that i shouldn’t have said what i had. For she deserved a happier night than what i had turned it into.

For a moment, i waited for her to demonstrate and launch some raw emotional rockets to destroy my ego. I waited for her to scream at me so it could be used to validate that she was an honest soul, a mortal person like who i and everyone was. But alas, she hid herself behind a see-through curtain, and it was not difficult for anyone to tell what colour of her occasional smiles that night were. Mostly black, darkened not with secrets, but annoyance, pure hate towards what i told. One could easily tell she didn’t like it.

“Jestina,” i spoke, “you know what i want for Christmas?”

“What?”

“Forgiveness. Would you forgive me?”

Sometimes, when i read my own old entries, i only like a few of them.

10 Dec

I like it when it tells stories of others. I like stories about Abang, Abah, Umie, the Uncle and the Aunty who own the convenience store i visit daily, close friends, or even the people i’ve never met, like Sara Aziz. Oh, she’s a wonderful person.

Truth is, i hate writing. I honestly do. When i first started this online journal i call Firdauz takes 5, i promised me to never write a single word of anything at all. I knew that i wasn’t that good with words. Not much. A photo & video blog it would be, just to abase myself with silly things, it should. I managed to follow the plan for the first 3 posts, but after the 3rd, it didn’t turn out to what i originally wanted it to.

I started writing, amateurishly, about who i am. It became a series of autobiography. I liked it. Then i openly asked people for lunch date. Making new friends, experience life as it should, learn new things and listen to what they tell, write the experience, share with the world. I liked it too. So much. I liked everything before i openly told the whole world, that i do not believe in God.

That was the emotional mistake, i started to hate my writing ever since.

Truth is, i love religious people who truly believe in what they do. I admire them. I admire anyone who openly declares his faith, or even the lack of it, but not me. I don’t like much about myself when it comes to religion. I emotionally tend to not care if i hurt anyone with saying who i think, doesn’t exist. Often, i even hurt those who are close to me. Including myself.

But the nicest people of my life, the ones who are dear to me, they always forgive my lunacy. Including me. I forgive myself all the time.

Sometimes, when i read my own old entries, it reminds me of who i was and what i had. Who i was, was kind of mysterious, and what i had were, clumsy moments of my silly life.

I stumbled upon life. I do not know much about it, so i wrote some of the stories that i liked, and some of them that i liked less. Amateurishly.

I stumbled upon life. Clumsy moments of my silly life.

Did you know,

9 Dec

that π (pi) is an irrational number? And that they built the Great Pyramid of Giza more than 4,500 years ago using this irrational number?

Ridiculous it may sound, you cannot represent pi with any rational number. But the decimal expansion of the value of pi, never changes, never ends, never repeats. If one has to tell a friend, the value of this irrational number is, well, if he’s a good friend of yours, and he’s someone who appreciates honesty, you tell him the whole truth.

“Pi is, 3.14159 26535 89793 23846 26433 83279 50288 41971 69399 37510 58209 74944 59230 78164 06286 20899 86280 34825 and more. More than what you and i know. It builds pyramids and flies us to Jupiter if you want.”

But if you have a friend who only appreciates rationality, who prefers to accept heaven and hell, death and life, hip-hop and rnb, and black and white and dislikes the idea of accepting things as they are, even when they are beautiful and ironic and irrational just like pi is, you might want to lie to him. Just a little lie.

“Rationally, pi is 22/7. It is what you need to find the circumference of a circle. It doesn’t do more than drawing a circle. What a waste of time to learn about pi.”

Pi is not 22/7, and of course, is more than drawing a circle and finding the circumference of it, well, if you care and curious enough to know, to understand, or even to formulate mathematical expressions of the laws of physics that govern this world. But pi is not even algebraic to even begin with. 22/7 is just the diophantine approximation of the real value of pi. It’s even bigger than what it is. It’s mathematically exaggerated. It’s a calculated lie and you can use this lie as many times as you want to satisfy the people who in your opinion, need it.

Like how i told Karen and Michelle, they’re not fat.

Perhaps, like pi, i’m alone, and lonely, and irrational.

I might not make much sense, but my name is Firdauz, and i like pie. (I’m fat too)

Tudung.

24 Nov

After a cigarette on a late night catching the last train, as i hurried down the escalator — thinking about Anis and how she always made me laugh, and how i always disappointed her — as i reflected on myself, and saw some of the bright and some of the strange colors of my life, was i late to love, unconditionally my dear?, a young Malay girl, a little chubby but never she was chubbier than i am, ran down a little quicker than i was with her Chinese friend. I would not have decided that this was a special even should i have not noticed she was wearing tudung, and her friend was a Chinese guy.

I decided that they were a pair of young lovers, based on the same assumption i had on Nicholas and Jestina. Love is always abstract, i thought, but also observable.

It made me smile, it always made me smile to see the wisdom of human being : to love and to care; and brought me to a conversation that took place about a weeks ago, in a sushi restaurant.

There were about 7 of us, one of them asked, “Hey, does Perempuan Tua eat pork?”

“No,” i said, “she’s muslim.”

“Oh, but she doesn’t mind you eating pork?”

“Kinda. She’s quite religious actually. Or at least her belief in Islam is somewhat firm. But things work out between us. As much as she believes in a religion that i don’t and perhaps never will, she does not force her belief onto me.”

Perempuan Tua once asked. “Baby, if i wear tudung, you jalan dengan i tak?” I said, “of course.”

Of course my dear.